Uncertainty.

for awhile now, me and edward have been arguing. a lot. over really ridiculous things. and while i know part of it was due to my jealousy the other part has been the fact that he is distancing himself from me. for a few weeks, maybe the middle of july to now he's been hanging out with his lesbian friend. i know she's a lesbian but it still makes me feel some jealousy that she can call him whenever she wants and he will make the hour long trip & stay there for hours. and when i say i hours i mean like 10-12 hours a day. i know it seems ridiculous to be jealous over her but i kinda can't help it. he's so far and while i trust him i can't help but feel some jealousy when he goes there. 

well because i've been jealous we've been arguing more. and the fights are not easy. i feel bad that we fight. i hate them. and because of the distance it makes it a hell of a lot harder. we can't console one another afterwards, and that's the worst part. so after weeks of fighting last week was the one that pushed us over the edge. he decided to spend the night there last saturday. i am trusting enough where i did not ask him to not do it but let's face it, i sure as fuck did not want him sleeping there. especially since he has been distant with me. he assured me he would leave early and i said okay because i didn't wanna fight over this, it hurts too much to fight. 

after he came home everything was okay but i had this feeling inside me, like something was different between him and me. not like he did anything bad but like we were growing apart. and that really scares the shit outta me. so i decided to bring this up on sunday night and it got pretty bad. we were on the verge of a breakup and i was crying because it felt like he just didn't love me anymore and blah blah blah. he told me that he does love me and does want to be with me but he's uncertain; he no longer knows whether or not we will make it three years long distance. he doesn't know if it's worth it because we fight so much and our fights really depress him. even his friends were telling him to dump my ass because he looks so depressed after our fights. apparently i'm the bad guy. and while it hurt it took me a few days to see that nothing really is certain in life and i knew this when we first started dating. it just hurt so much to hear him be so pessimistic. i know there is a chance we will not work out, i get that. but i have so much faith in this relationship and he seems to have lost all of his. and it's all due to the divorce.

his mom told him about 3 weeks ago that she would divorce his stepfather once he comes back from iraq. i know that if it wasn't for this divorce he would not have lost all of his faith in everything. i know it was hard on him since this is her second divorce. and it sucks because he truly believes that he's not capable of a stable relationship because it's in his genes. but we both know that the divorce hit him hard and if it wouldn't have happened he'd still have faith in us. fighting is inevitable, we are a couple we are going to fight. yes most of our fights are petty so if we can work on that then why shouldn't this work out? we both agreed to work this through and i agreed to be patient with him while he goes through this uncertain phase. i know it will pass. even though it hurts me everyday to know he is so pessimistic, i try and remain optimistic about us. 

so all this happened last sunday & monday and everything really got better. he went to hang out with his lesbian friend and i put the jealousy behind me. there really is no reason to be jealous of her. but of course come saturday night (as in last night) he decides to spend the night again. of course i am a woman so i wasn't too thrilled about it. we just fucking fought over all of this and he did it again. but i decided to be the adult and i didn't tell him it hurt me. i lied to him and i never lie to him. i didn't wanna fight, so i kept my mouth shut. especially since he had a rough half of the summer and he needed some time out with friends. at one point he called me again kinda drunk around 3 something his time telling me he missed me and being all cute. and i told him something that made things worse, and i regret telling him more than anything.

friday night i went to one of my best friend's birthday party. i love my girlfriends, and i've kissed them many times before. well like a peck, no full on open mouth kissing or tongue. i pecked one of my best friends and i honestly thought of it as nothing. shit, it was a peck. so i told edward because i'm an honest gal and i really thought he would laugh. nope. he was so hurt by it that he pretty much ignored my calls all day. i can see what he thinks of it, he thinks i cheated. or according to him he doesn't know if he counts it. but how the fuck is that cheating?! it was one of my best friends! it was a peck! and he told me it confused him more. and now that i think about it, i do truly feel bad for hurting him. i never would have done it had i known it was gonna cause problems. but i really think he is being dramatic. he went on forever about how much he wanted me to make out with my friend and when i pointed that out last night he said he was joking. i think it's all bullshit. my mom thinks he's making excuses, but for what i don't know. i just don't see how this qualifies as cheating. i didn't make out with her, it was a peck! and he said it's made him more confused. to be honest, all of this is confusing me. i love him but i feel like i am walking on eggshells. everything i have said and done within the last week has caused him to kinda snap at me. and while he has every right to be upset with what i did, i don't think it's fair he thinks i cheated. what's worse it the more he's confused the more i am confused. and it's not going to be long until i can't take it anymore. i feel like this is slowly falling apart. i don't want it to, but how am i supposed to be content in a relationship when he is so fucking pessimistic. i'm so tired of crying. i'm so tired of arguing. and i am so tired of walking on eggshells. 

i really dunno what is going to happen tonight. he's gonna call me soon and for all i know this may all end tonight. fuck, this sucks. wish me luck.

Toys.

i want toys. i think when edward comes for my birthday we're going to make a stop at condom revolution and get some sex toys.

i want:

• anal beads
• vibrator and/or dildo
• butt plug
• anything else we can have fun with

so far we do have handcuffs & a vibrating ring but i want other stuff that'll make it just as fun. what else could we use? as far as costumes and lingerie go, it's not something he's exactly into. i bought some hot lingerie from victoria's secret back in march & within a few minutes he was trying to strip me haha. does anybody have any other ideas to incorporate into sex?

Lubed up assholes.

so the other night me and edward were on the phone just talking like we normally do. he was telling me that he had nothing but a shirt on, but i really didn't think anything of it. i told him i had on some short shorts and was in the process of putting a tank top on. i'll say things to him like 'i'm topless' or 'my nipples are hard' to get a rise outta him but it usually doesn't work. so you can imagine i was quite surprised when he says, 'take off your clothes already.' i stripped outta them so fast! i love when he takes initiative and tells me to take everything off, and it turns me on even more because i know that he's already hard and waiting for me. 

as i crawled into bed naked and already turned on he started saying dirty things to me. 'mmm i can't wait to lick your pussy. and fuck it hard. lick your index & middle finger for me and do the v-thing around your clit.' as soon as i did that i started moaning. it feels amazing having a finger on each side of my clit going up & down. as i continued he told me to get my lube. i love using my lube; i love feeling wet. even though i was already fairly wet i still got it because mine is the kind that tingles and is cold. once i lubed up my fingers i stared playing with myself again while edward talked dirty.

 'god i wanna taste your pussy so bad. i'm gonna fuck you so hard. i wanna lick that clit till you cum everywhere. mmm tell me what to do.'

'well i want you to grab your hard dick and softly start to stroke up and down touching everywhere. run your fingertips over your balls, play with the crease where your thighs meets your groin. pretend it's me running my tongue over it, i know you love when i do that.'

'mmk, ah it feels good. anything else you want me to do?'

'hmm get some lube.'

as he went to the bathroom to get oil, i continued to play with my clit rubbing everywhere imagining it was his tongue. it felt so good. when he got back i told him to rub it all over his dick and stroke a little bit faster this time. that's when things took a different course... he said, 'so i want you to lube up one of your fingers and stick it up your asshole as far as you can get it in. and i want you to play with your clit at the same time.' i've done it before but it didn't feel as great (probably because i didn't use lube) as i thought. but i obeyed and slicked my finger up with lube. as i stuck it inside me it felt amazing. i couldn't get it in all the way but just the motion of going in and out had me moaning. 

he listened and then said, 'i'm going to try it' and stuck a well oiled finger up his asshole. he told me he did it once in the shower but he seemed kinda reluctant to do it again. so i was pretty shocked when he did & even more shocked when he moaned and said he liked it. i was so turned on because i've been wanting to play with his g-spot forever. so i told him to do a 'come-hither' motion with his finger in his ass. within seconds he was moaning saying, 'baby you have to do this to me. fuck, this feels so good.' he was going crazy. and i was going just as crazy because i've never heard him moan like that over the phone. with one hand on his dick, one finger in his ass and two fingers on my clit, one in my ass, we were both moaning and panting. when i told him, 'mmm my finger is sliding in and out of my asshole so smoothly' he moaned even louder and told me he is gonna fuck my ass next time he sees me. i totally look forward to that ;)

we continued to touch ourselves, moaning into the phone with the occasional 'i want you bad' and 'i love you.' it was passionate and kinky at the same time. he came before me, which was a shock since normally i cum first. but i didn 't care, i finished myself off and was panting with him not long after. it was a hell of a night. i dunno what it is but when we both get that into it i have a more powerful orgasm than i do when i touch myself alone. it's probably all the endorphins in my body. 

the best part about it is we do this at night when everyone is home. it's kinda exhilarating knowing people are in the house. i'm sure my parents hear me moaning sometimes but i really don't give a fuck. i do however feel a little bad for my younger brother whose room is right next to mine haha. i'm aching to see him so badly but i found out that he will be here for my birthday. can you say birthday sex? ;)

Why ME?

so i have been avoiding writing about this topic as long as i could because i know it will bring tears to my eyes. considering i have already cried the past few hours over this topic, i guess it's time to write. please keep in mind this is a very touchy subject for me and it became even touchier within the last two days. this will be the post about my father, from beginning to present. there will be blood, sweat, and tears that will be poured into this (okay not blood and sweat but definitely tears). this will more than likely be a very, very long post and i really don't know if i'll finish this in one sitting. it's 6:43 in the evening so let's hope i can finish this all tonight so i don't have to keep thinking about all of the bullshit. let's get this over with.

past:

since i was little i have always known that my dad had anger issues, it was pretty apparent. but aside from his issues, he was as caring as a father could be, when he wasn't having an episode. i was a daddy's girl; i loved my dad. he was awesome in  my eyes, he would protect me from whatever i needed to protected from. he bought me things that i wanted, took me places, etc. 

he broke his back when i was very little but i remember it very well. he was gone for a while in the hospital because of all of the problems he had, the pain, everything. i remember so well the day he came to our apartment and gave me two gifts: a noah's ark toy set complete with a pair of every animal and a necklace. it was so excited. but my favorite gift was the second one, a necklace with a jewish star that had the word LOVE twisted into the star. it was beautiful. it meant so much to me because in all honesty he really thought that was the last time i would ever see him. i always think of that day when i look at my star because i realized i could have lost him. well as it turns out the back problem left him with a terrible addiction, an addiction to narcotics. for years and years he has struggled with being on and off of pain killers. he promised me when we moved out here he would stop, he never has. i really do feel that his anger is due to this addiction; when he has drugs he is a different man, he's the father that loves and cares. however, when he runs out by eating them like they're candy, he changes. he becomes depressed, full of angst, and it is pretty unbearable living with him.

this constant high then deep and dark low made life extremely hard. i remember the arguments pretty well. i've watched my beautiful mother cry so many times in my life. i comforted her as best i could but i knew she hurt. i remember kneeling on the floor next to my mom in my room watching her cry while my dad screamed. i remember her face when he took me and my brother away from her christmas eve. i remember so many things. but most of all, i remember the verbal and emotional abuse i endured. when i couldn't comprehend adding change, i was punished by having my barbies & toys taken away from me. when i messed up by the tiniest bit, i was punished for weeks on end. i look back and realize that i blocked out some of my life when i was younger because it hurt. i've cried millions of tears over him throughout my life.

as i grew up though i got kinda tired of it all. i went through a semi-rebellious phase by talking back and intentionally fighting with him. i would always go against him because at the time i thought it was fucking hilarious. my mom would kick me under the table as a signal to shut the fuck up, like now. but i kept on going, pushing harder and harder till he snapped. i don't know why i found it funny then because now it is the least bit funny. my parents almost split up about that same time and i prayed all the fucking time that they wouldn't get a divorce. i cried so hard because at that point in time i truly believed they belonged together. that's all fucking bullshit right there. they never split but i'm surprised they haven't to be honest. anyways, there are so many things i'm sure i could write about but it's a little hard because i don't remember all of it, just the parts that hurt the most. so let's move on to present.

present:

i think it started after we moved, when he became a little bit more bearable. the weather definitely changed his attitude. he was in less pain and was overall happy living in sunny california. two years passed with fights here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary other than the fact that he looks like a red hulk when he fights. 

as i graduation approached he was constantly bragging about me, "my daughter is an honor student. my daughter has a 4.0 gpa. my daughter got into four universities. my daughter is going to be a doctor." he was so fucking set on me going to medical school that nothing else seemed okay to him, nothing else was as good as a doctor, nothing else made as much money. haha, money sure is the root to all fucking evil. well as i made my way through my first year of college i hardly saw him because i got stuck with nights classes 3 outta 5 days a week and i worked when i could. so my freshman year of college was fairly painless. occasionally we'd fight but nothing too big. i remember one big fight though but i don't know if it happened my freshman year or before that. but i remember standing outside the garage while he smoked a joint telling me he wished i woulda gone to new jersey for college. that fucking hurt. but like i said i don't know when that occured. 

onto my sophomore year. i started talking to edward last september and we finally began dating in december. when i came back from new jersey this past january everything got incredibly messy. up until january everything was pretty normal. there have been about four or five huge arguments in which i feared for my life since then. he's never hit me but i'm terrified he will lose control one day. i don't remember the specifics but i know the day before valentine's day my dad hurt me emotionally; he had said something like, "fuck you i don't give a fuck about what you do" and "you could go fuck the whole town for all i care." nice father, eh? then in april when my mother went to guatemala to visit her mom, hell broke lose again. i was called a bitch by my very own father three times within the span of one day. he basically told me he was sick of me and he was going to ship me off to jersey where my grandparents could control me. i was honestly debating on going for a while already when he threatened to make sure i would not see edward while i lived there (he lives 30 minutes away from them). 

that scared me more than anything. he was threatening to take away my support system. he was threatening to take away the one thing that mattered more to me than life itself. and it scared me because what was the point of moving three fucking thousand miles away if i couldn't have edward? well i applied anyway to a university in jersey that night. i was so heart broken, i felt so empty. when i told edward about everything he told me if i move there he will take care of me. as i was crying on the phone to my baby, my father came in and took away my phone. when all you have is a little piece of plastic and metal to keep in touch with the one person you love, it can get a little hard. it only lasted a few days but not having a phone kept me from calling my mom and letting her know i didn't have a phone so i wouldn't know when to pick her up from the train station. i got there too early and waited in the car for about an hour. on the way home i told her everything as i cried telling her i love her but i needed to leave and if i got into this school i was gone. she supported me but i knew it hurt her to even think of losing me (my mother has always taken my side which is kinda why they fight so much and she knows how fucking mental my dad is so it's not like she thought this would ever happen). 

so as i waited to get in, i realized that i really didn't want to be the surgeon my father wanted me to be. within the last year i thought about it every time i failed a test, every time i heard the gpa minimum to get into medical school, every time i failed a science class. i was starting to see that this is not the life for me. i finally decided to tell my dad about my decision about not going to medical school and going to graduate school instead. these were the words he said to me (what i can remember):

"you don't know what you're fucking doing. you're fucking up your life. you're not a doctor unless you can prescribe pills. you will go to medical school whether you want to or not."

um yeah, thanks for the fucking support dad. it was a war that i had begun. i decided i would just lie about it and then tell him when i graduate. but this was a huge lie. i lie to my dad but not to my mom, but this was just too fucking big. and for a whole week i was depressed. i had an anxiety attack over this. because i was terrified of telling the truth and losing the tuition money my grandparents had given me. i was terrified he was going to make me drop out and go to the community college around the corner from house. i was terrified of losing everything i've worked so hard for. he finally mellowed out and told me he just wants me to be happy. for the first time in my life, he was understanding what i really wanted to do.

but after all of the ridiculous drama, after all of the tears and fights, i decided to keep my distance from him. we fight about everything so i figured if i wasn't near him we wouldn't fight. that has worked for me since june until about yesterday. about a week ago my dad asked my mom why i was so distant. she knew, she always knew. i've cried countless times to her because i really don't think my dad loves me. after seeing how he has treated me within the last year what other conclusion should i come to? well she opened pandora's box and i wish she never would have. she told him everything. at first i thought it would knock some sense into his thick skull but nope. 

this next part is the last three days. he flipped out because i couldn't get off work to go to dinner for his birthday. what upset him the most is that i'm too prissy to spend time with him, blah, blah, blah. so he changed my curfew to 11 & said i could leave if i wanted to. i've spent a lot of time thinking about moving out but i can't afford it so i didn't leave. i thought all was said and done until today when he emotionally abused me once again. today i was blamed for my parents splitting up (he says they are going to), for being a brat since i was born, for arguing with him over everything, for being a bitch. everything is my fault. i don't know how it is though.

he has the nerve to sit there and say all these horrible things to my face. he blames everything on me. and he fucking wonders why i say that i think he doesn't love me. he tells me that i have no pride in my religion and doesn't give a fuck about my boyfriend because he's catholic because he would never let me date anyone who wasn't jewish that lived here. he tells me he can find pussy no problem and doesn't need my mom. he says that he thinks i'm stupid for being offended by him calling me a bitch (update as of 7:55 pm: he apologizes for calling me a bitch. but nothing else, hah). everything just burst through me. i was shaking, i was furious. because i honestly do not know what the fuck i did to deserve any of this. my heart has been broken by this man so times throughout my life. and i hate him for it. 

future:

i don't know what i am going to do from here. when i told him i got into school over there he told me to go. i'm really not sure anymore though because i turned that school down. we'll see where time takes me. if they really split up, my parents that is, then i won't need to leave. but i do not need this kinda bullshit for the next 3 years. it's not fair to me. at all. i'm kinda distracted right now because edward is talking to me so i will end it all here. i'm sorry if i've left a lot out. you can ask me and i will answer whatever i can. there's just so much that i can't possibly write it all out, after all it's almost twenty years worth of memories. and sorry if i jump from one thing to another, that is kinda how my mind works. in time i'm sure i will write more, when stuff comes up. i'm a little to drained right now to bitch as he says. sigh, why me?

p.s. it's 8:35. i took a 20 minute break to eat dinner. you do the math. 

Updating.

I really need to update this. And while i can't right now, i will sometime in the very near future.

topics i will be posting about:

• my very rocky relationship with my dad
• divorce
• lounging naked/masturbating
• bodies/porn
• everlasting love? (i'm not sure i have enough to write about this one just yet because it kinda ties into divorce)

i think that's it. i swear there were more; every time i think of something i wanna write about i make a mental note but i thought the list was longer. oh well, when the thoughts come, i'll write. look for those posts soon! :)

p.s. i've come up with a name for my boyfriend; edward. keep in mind this is not his real name but i'm kinda sick of writing 'boyfriend' and i'm going through my twilight phase :)

HNT.

so i've been contemplating doing HNT for a while now, pretty much ever since i found out what it was. now personally, i was gonna do it; i have TONS of half naked pictures of me. but here's the thing, my boyfriend isn't thrilled with the idea of me posting nude pictures of myself on the world wide web. & i totally respect him and our relationship enough to say i'm not going to partake in HNT. his feeling is that i'm his and my body is his (so to speak) and he wants it to stay that way. if he really wanted guys & gals checking out his girlfriend's naked flesh, he'd date a porn star, or a stripper. so i'm going to respect his wishes and not do it. yes, i have my own mind and yes i own my body but if it's going to make my boyfriend uncomfortable i don't wanna do it. if i ever decide that i want to though, you guys will be the first to know ;)

The Ugly Truth.

What a great movie! i went with my mom to see it the other night & we were fucking dying while we watched it! the whole theater was cracking up! it is a romantic comedy but i think this is one chick flick guys will appreciate & enjoy. it's so dirty for a chick flick. guys will love the numerous amounts of sexual innuendos as well as the constant reminder that all men want is some good head & sex. i really recommend it for couples to see :)

on another note, i haven't had anything to really post about since i've been so busy with two jobs. i haven't had the time, or energy, to sit down & fuss with this. as far as life with the boyfriend goes, all is good. we had some great phone sex again last night but nothing to really post about; it was pretty much the same as my last post. he has this thing about masturbating, he just doesn't care for it. he'd rather fuck me than use his hand but since i'm not there he really has no choice haha. even when he's super horny, he just doesn't like to do it. why is that (can i get a brother's opinion please?!)? i know he's of the small percentage of the male population that doesn't like to do it but even getting him to have phone sex is like pulling teeth. as much as i turn him on, he just hates doing it because it's "too much work." hmm, maybe that's the ugly truth about masturbating, sometimes it's just too much work. i love touching myself; yes it requires work but i still love having an orgasm! how can i get him to enjoy doing the deed as much as i do?