:)

in less than 2 hours i will officially no longer be a teenager. more importantly, i will be celebrating it at disney with one of my best friends. i look forward to tomorrow :)

mmm.

i love when he takes control and doesn't let me stop until he wants me to.

i love that he forced me to rub myself until i came three times, even when my clit was sore.

i love that he is dirty and kinky and wants to do everything to my body.

i love that he is gonna fuck me hard in december.

i love him.

just sayin'

Good news!

good news:

• GM is going to cover the cost ! i get a brand spanking new engine and it's totally free (okay nothing is free but this is!)! i am so happy !
• my mom doesn't have a problem with her gums !
• my dad is making money and they think they'll be fine to pay the bills !

good stuff right?! i have to say, the clouds are definitely parting. i couldn't be more grateful right now.

bad news:

i'm sick like no other. it started monday with a wonderful sore throat which is going away in exchange for a stuffy nose. i'm supposed to hit the clubs tomorrow to celebrate my 20th birthday, i hope i can! being sick isn't so bad when i count all the blessings bestowed upon me :)

I found it very interesting

that i have a review. on my blog. what i find more interesting is that it comes off too vulgar? i thought i put the warning for a reason, the reason being there would be graphic sex talk. some blogs are not for everyone, i get that. but please don't come up on my blog saying it's too much when you obviously are not open about sex talk. this blog is not for you then.

as far as jumping from one subject to another, most blogs do. my blog is about sexual and emotional adventures. i'm almost 20; my life is full of tons of adventures. i didn't specifically say it would be a sex blog. i need this as a place to vent. whether you all feel i am an ignorant college girl or not is not of my concern. i need this place to express my feelings when i have no other way. i come here to get shit off my chest.

that's all.

p.s. this was to a certain blog who reviewed mine. i do not take offense to what you wrote, i'm just merely defending why i write the way i do. i'm sorry to everyone else who reads this and thinks it's lame. it's my journal, deal.

p.s.s. a lot of people read this blog, or at least glance at it. who are all of you?! haha.

When it all falls down

i can just hear kanye in my head now. my life is in turmoil right now, and i can't do a single thing about it. let's start with my car:

my mother blew my engine last night. basically, the thermostat housing on my car was cracking (this is where antifreeze is) and when it broke, the hose connected to it with all of the antifreeze busted open and lost all of the antifreeze. while that happened, the engine was overheating and literally melted. my engine is shit. my dad told me that it's beyond reparable, fucking awesome. i know it's not my mom's fault, and i'm not mad at her, but my dad told me if she would have just noticed that the temp was rising on my car she totally could have saved it.

the mechanic at the dealer said it was due to catastrophic damage from the thermostat housing piece and right now they're figuring out if my warranty will cover it. if they do, i will be the luckiest girl in the whole fucking world. if not, i'm fucked. a new engine is $2600 plus tax. plus labor. plus no car for over a week. i'm fuckedddddd. me & my mom right now are alternating her car; she takes me to school & goes to work then picks me up later or i take her to work & go to school then pick her up later. it's kinda a bitch but it's manageable. however, there goes my trip to the east coast. i'm so bummed over that. i got my hopes up so high that i was going to see edward in about a month and a half. there's hope, but not a lot.

my & my dad did find a used engine for my car with 29,000 miles for only $600. that is so not bad, and i can afford that! i have $400 right now just to go towards my car. & i'm getting more money from the state in december, so i think i can manage. i'm still without a car but this gives me some hope that everything isn't totally going to shit. my dad is saying i'll have to go about 2 weeks without my car but i'll just have to deal. if GM covers this i can probably get a rental so that'll help. i find out tomorrow if GM will cover it, so let's pray they do! and it's not like it's my fault the fucking thermostat housing was cracking! i didn't do anything to it, and i'm not at 60,000 miles yet, and my warranty is good till i hit that. i really hope it's covered. if not, no edward :(

my second problem as i mentioned in my last post is financial difficulties with my family. over the last year my father has been building a shop with his partner. they've put everything into this business, as in our house. my dad has borrowed over $140,000 from his parents & his brother. and once again, we are completely out of money. we owe so many bills it's ridiculous. and to top it all off, we're at risk of losing our house and basically everything else we own. my dad has been saying this since he started this whole thing and he's freaking out right now. i know i don't care for him as a person, but to see my father cry is heartbreaking. what's worse is hearing him tell my mom if this all falls apart he's going to take his life.

i know my father has always been slightly depressed but i guess i never saw how depressed he really is. and today he admitted to me that if everything goes wrong, he's 'done'. i told him he should think about his kids before he makes a decision like that. i'm terrified, i really am. he doesn't want to suffer, he's suffered through so much, but taking your life and abandoning your family is not the way to go about it. my mom said something to him about leaving us to deal with all of the bullshit & he was like, 'so you'd rather me suffer with you?' he called my mom a sadistic person when she said yes. but i know what she meant, not that she wants him to suffer but that we have to work together as a family to pull through this. worse case scenario, we lose everything so we go back to the east coast. i'm trying not to think about everything falling apart. i don't want to lose it. i need to be strong for my family, especially my mother.

and that leads me to my next thing, my mom is somewhat sick. it's not cancer, thank God, it's inflammation of her small intestine, which can lead to cancer. right now, they don't know what is causing it but she has less pain than she did before so i'm praying her body is just overcoming it on it's own. and she has an infection with her gums, which is costing a grand. everything is seriously falling apart. and i can't do anything to help. i hardly make anything at my little job and the money i got from the state goes towards insurance, school, and now my car. i offered it to my mom but she won't take it. i just feel so helpless, like i can't do anything. i know things will work out in the end, but how long before it stops pouring?

me & my mom were joking today saying it's not just pouring, it's a fucking hurricane. but bright blue skies will soon follow, i hope.

Fuck my life.

my mom decided to go to a quinceanera today in LA. she left about 11 something to drive home. LA is about an hour and a half drive from where i live. fullerton is about midway. she call me at about 12 telling me my car basically died on her, is smoking, and she's in fullerton. my car is not even 4 years old & just had it's battery replaced so WTF?! i am so stressed out of my mind !

my mom is okay though, thank god. she called the police & they sent a fire truck to wait with her while she waited for AAA. thank you fire fighters, seriously. i'm glad she's okay and the tow truck is there but i am freaking out. i have a feeling my warranty won't cover this, and it's going to cause a huge dent in my savings account. fuck my life. seriously. & i don't think i'm going to make it to class tomorrow because i'm going to be at the dealer figuring out what the fuck went wrong with my little egg. everything happens to that car, and it's never my fault. my dad is a fucking mechanic, we keep our cars in check ! so why the fuck is this happening?!

UGH !

How wonderful it is..

to be loved. and to be back with edward. we're back together and told one another what we will do this time around to make this work. as of right now i plan on going there but i don't know if i will be able to due to unforeseen financial difficulties (which i will post about in my next blog) with my family.

i'm happy, i really am. don't judge me.

HHNT.

i thought i'd give you guys a lil something. i'm obviously not naked but you can see my figure. i present to you: curvayyy queen of hearts.

An update.

since i posted my last post i've been pretty much just keeping busy with school, work, and friends. i always knew i had amazing friends but i really saw it this past week. through so many rough times i have been there for my friends; dealing with abortions, breakups, home issues, etc. i've helped them through so much. it was a nice change to be helped for once, to have my friends take care of me.

my partner in crime last night, as well as my date, alice in wonderland sat with me for almost 4 and 1/2 hours on monday. she was my shoulder. she hugged me so tightly when i cried. i can't thank her enough for helping me and having faith in us and believing edward will pull it all together.

the rest of my girls, lady gaga, hot nurse, barbie, and mrs. jones* have done everything they can to make me feel better. i am truly blessed to have such wonderful friends who know i'm going through a hard time with all of this waiting. they have comforted me and they see that edward is doing this to make a better future for us in the end.

speaking of edward, we talked thursday night. for 3 & 1/2 hours. holy shit, we never talk that long when we're dating haha. we talked about everything. from his suicidal thoughts when he was younger to him struggling with depression for years, to his childhood and his parent's unstable relationship. we discussed everything. we discussed us, and what we hope will happen.

i asked him if he thinks this will all be done by march. he says there is a 50/50 chance. but then again, there's a 50/50 chance he could be done with this by next week, 2 weeks from now, 1 month from now. we really have no clue when he could figure this all out. his stepfather actually came home friday night but he's not at their house, he's staying at friends i believe.

what i wondered about is, if he finally figures out what will come out of the divorce, the living situation, etc., will he be less depressed? he said probably because that one huge stressor is the main cause of his depression. so when i asked if he would come back to me at the point he said yes. but then, that's not really working through your depression, it's just eliminating a stressor that was causing depression. but he told me that because it would be eliminated he would be able to pay more attention to me and work through his depression with me. only time will tell though. and to be honest, i hope he knows what will come out of the divorce soon. not just for us but for him, especially since the holidays are coming up.

and with the holidays coming up, i'm not going there as i have said in my other post. i told him if he figured it all out by the end of november i'd still go. but if not, i don't think i could. idk, it's sucha mess. but i support him.

i did have a slight problem with him hanging out with his ex friday. i mean, come on, we just broke up. but he assured me he went to the mall with her because she was depressed over something and the whole time she kept telling him he should get back with me. she said she could see how depressed he looked over our break up and that we should get back together like asap. i like her haha. like i said though, time will tell all.

on another note, halloween was nice. hung out with my friends, drank some drank, ate some pizza, and had a good time. i was a sexy queen of hearts with 4 inch black patent leather pumps, long sexy eyelashes, fishnet thigh-hi's, and my cute costume. it was a hit and i felt damn good. overall, it was a nice weekend. lady gaga and i stayed up til 4 this morning talking about life and me and edward and everything.

i have to say, for being slightly depressed over everything, i am handling this well. i am going on with my life while still keeping my love for edward alive. i'm not letting this get the best of me. of course i'm sad but i'm managing. school and work is keeping me busy and my friends have been so helpful. plus talking to edward and agreeing for every monday and thursday to talk makes me feel good to know we're going to keep in touch. i don't feel as empty as i did monday. maybe it's wishful thinking...

by the way, does no one read this? am i just writing to no one? i never get any comments or views often. maybe you all are sick of edward and me? but i would appreciate some feedback, and of course i'll leave you some on your bl0g :)



*please excuse the halloween costume reference, i didn't want to put their real names.