Vacation Recap (so far)

okay, i am back with the grandparents which means i have plenty of time today to write about my adventures with edward. lemme try and go in order.

sunday 12/20:

our anniversary. i really didn't think we were gonna be able yo see each other because of the horrible snow storm but we did. it was perfect. we went to "our" place and exchanged our gifts with each other. he bought me this beautiful white gold pink heart pendant. there is huge significance behind it but i can't tell what it is because it would give me away. i will tell you it has something to do with how we met. i gave him his very nice watch and a picture of us in front of the castle at disneyland. we both loved our gifts and i couldn't have asked for a more perfect boyfriend.

so after we were all lovey dovey i told him to get into the bathroom so i could change. he didn't want to but he got up and walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me. he started kissing my neck and licking my ears, running his hands all over my body in a skin tight dress. i pushed him off but he pushed me up onto the counter so he could finger me and kiss me at the same time. again, i pushed him off. i knew he was frustrated but i wanted to show him his other gift ;)

i changed into my smoking hot outfit: a purple playboy bustier, a black lacy thong that is crotchless with garters attached, and fishnet thigh-hi's. i have to say, with my hair long and wild and the outfit on, i looked fucking hot. i told him to come out and his eyes widened immediately. he gave me the "oh-my-fucking-god-i-want-to-fuck-you-right-now" look. he came over to me and eyed me up and down and then motioned me to turn around. i did, bending over so he could see how hot my ass looked with garters around it. i asked him if he liked it and he looked at me then to the bed, then to me again, then back to the bed, then he pushed me down onto the bed.

he got in between me and took out his dick so he could push it inside me since my panties were crotchless and all. we started fucking like crazy. he took everything off of me except the thigh-hi's and had me ride him hard. we fucked like that then moved to me on my side with him standing up next to me. then eventually to him on top were he collapsed on top of me after he came. we didn't exactly fuck all day but it was still tons of fun. we wrestled naked a lot and fought for the covers and even though he is so strong and i can't beat him, i have plenty of fun trying ;)

eventually i gave him the handcuffs and he tied me up so i couldn't break free. he did whatever he wanted to me and he fucked me hard. we ended up taking a nice shower together then eating dinner at the place we ate last year on our first date :) overall, it was such an amazing anniversary. i think we will have plenty more :)

sadly, monday, tuesday, and wednesday i didn't see him.

thursday 12/24:

me, edward, and my brother went out for sushi and a movie and then up to my cousins. it was a really chill day since it was christmas eve. we saw up in the air which was pretty cool but nothing huge that day.

friday 12/25:

both of our families don't do much on christmas day so we decided to spend it together since we love the holiday so much. after he had gone to his families to give gifts he picked me up and we went to t.g.i friday's for some delicious steak. we had a really good meal and we were going to see a movie but the times weren't coordinating with us.

so we went to our place again and had crazy sex. we bought some baby oil and gave each other full body massages and then had sex. it was so much fun slipping and sliding all over each other. we had some fun sex in the shower after a slight mishap were he almost had a heat stroke (fucking crazy) and then we watched house season 5 that i bought him for christmas (fun, hah). he fell asleep but whenever he'd wake up he would grab me and pull me into him. a very nice christmas :)

saturday 12/26:

we went our for some delicious breakfast and saw sherlock holmes. it was pretty okay, not the best but i did like it. we didn't do anything else that day since he had things to do at home but it was still enjoyable.

sunday 12/27:

went shopping. ate white castle with my brother and cousin, then dropped them off. we went straight to our place and had another great time fucking. we bought some durex tingling silicone based lube and tried that as soon as we got into the room. well, after we messed around and he fucked me from behind we decided to hop into the shower and try it out.

oh.my.fucking.god. it felt amazing! we were both panting and moaning. it was sooo fucking great. i was bent over and he was fucking me from behind with us both lubed up and we were going nuts. he never talks, he only moans once in a while. the whole time he kept saying, "wow. oh fuck. god. jesus." and he kept moaning. it felt so good. i told him i wanted him to come in my face so when he was really close he pulled out and had me get on my knees. i watched him jerk-off and felt it hit all over my chin and in my mouth. pretty fun ;)

we ended up just laying down after but went at it again after a while. i rode him faster than i ever did before, with the lube. we were both going crazy again. his facial expressions, the noises he made, i knew he was so close and i was pretty close too. but for some reason, i slowed down. i think it's because i get really tired and because i'm terrified that i'm going to pee instead of come.

but when i got off of him, he said he felt weird. like his dick was burning. then it was really burning and he needed to wash off the lube. we got him all clean but when i smelled it it seriously smelt like burning rubber. we don't know if it's because we had a condom on too or if that's the smell of the lube on flesh but i could smell it on my fingers after i touched myself. the lube in general worked really nicely in the shower and it felt great for me when i was on top but he said it was uncomfortable.

that night we also found an amazing position; i lay on my side in the fetal position and he fucks me from behind but him laying down too but his hips twisted. it's hard to explain but it feels fantastic. i really think if edward would have kept going i would have come. he was hitting something and it felt fucking great.

tuesday 11/29:

we saw it's complicated which i liked very much, and i met his best friend. i really liked him, and i think he liked me too. i asked him if i got his approval and he said yes, and edward can tell when he's lying and he told me that he really does like me. i'm glad, it makes me feel good to know his best friend approves of me.

i'll see edward tomorrow and we're going to spend pretty much all day together. i'm not sure if i'm going to spend the night with him but it would be nice if i get to. i don't think i'm going to be able to though. friday is our last day together. as much as i am ready to go home i hate saying goodbye to him. i love him and i love our relationship, and having to leave him is incredibly hard. sigh, i'm not ready to do it. but it's inevitable. i guess i'm going to have to make the most of tomorrow and the part of friday that we spend together :/

i hope all of you have had a very wonderful holiday and a great new years :)

A little tease ;)

i haven't had a second to check this thing, been kinda busy. i'm at my cousins now and since that has happened i have spent every day with edward. we've had amazing sex and discovered some hot new positions that make it even better. i'll tell you all about it & i'm going to give you my review on a lube !

but that'll be next time ;)

Let it snow, let it snow, let it freakin' snow

it is snowing like cuh-razzzzzyyy right now. stupid east coast weather. all i've done all day is watch house. somewhere in between the ice cream and diagnostics i should have written about my date with edward yesterday. i'm not feeling the whole detail thing, but i will tell you the jist of it all.

i got the OK from le grandparents to go out with him yesterday so we made the best of our time; we fucked each other's brains out. i wore exactly what he wanted, a black g-string he loves & a bra that makes my tits look extra perky. we got to our place and it was OHN (as he would say) as soon as we walked through the door, my heart was racing before we even got into the room. 6 months of no sex or intimacy or ANYTHING, i needed this badly.

he came up behind me and kissed my neck. we ended up on the bed and started making out. apparently, he was ready to go, like right that second. i wanted to kiss some more so i made him wait and we kept making out. idk how long in but he wanted my top off, so off it came. he grabbed my tits, licked them, then told me to take off my pants. as i stripped down to my black g-string that makes my ass look amazing, he came up behind me and ran his hands all over me. i ground into him hard, feeling his rock hard dick. we did that for a few before i told him to get on the couch so i could finish giving him head from yesterday. he had other plans...

he kissed me hard and told me he was gonna eat me out, and eat me out he did. i have no idea how long he was down there, but it was a fucking while. i was in heaven. this led to blow jobs on the couch, making out on the couch, sex on the couch, and a finger up my asshole on the couch.

all that lead to me bent over the bathroom sink with him behind me. then the bed. where he fucked me sideways. then fucked me bent over. then me on top foreverrrrr. i rode him hard. i was so close to having an orgasm, at least it felt that way. but i rode him a little to fast and he slipped out causing me to lose concentration. so we moved to him behind me where he fucked me hard and fast and collapsed on top of me. i needing release had him finger me. he works wonders with his fingers. he goes right on my clit and does it soft then gets harder until i come.

it was pretty great. we cuddled for a bit, gave each other massages, he snuck his dick inside me while massaging my back a few times, i gave him head for a while, then we had sex again. he stopped at one point and went down on me for like 10 minutes and then fingered me again giving me another orgasm. 4 hours of fun. lots of fun.

this is way more detailed than i thought it would be but whatever, i felt like writing more. right now i am a little stressed though; tomorrow is our one year anniversary and it is still snowing. if it doesn't clear up, there's no way we will spend our anniversary together. i'm so sad over this. here's praying that the roads are clear and it stops snowing tomorrow.

testing from my phone ! maybe then i can give you lil updates more often ;)

Finally.

after 6 very long months, i saw my edward today. it was so nice to feel him and kiss him and hold his hand as he drove me to my grandparents. he joined my family for dinner and i can tell my grandparents do like him. after dinner we sat in his car and we made out for a bit ;) i'm guessing you guys want to know what happened. what started off as really innocent turned really dirty real quick.

we made out and i began to suck on his neck and ear. he started breathing a bit heavier and i could tell he was getting turned on.
"i can't wait to fuck you."
"mmm, give me your hand."

i grabbed his hand and put it on my breast. he began to play with my tits and moved his hand in my shirt to feel them better. i was getting really turned on with all the kissing and touching and i got really wet when he slid his hand down my pants and began rubbing my clit; it felt so fucking good. he'd stick his fingers deep in me and rubbed my clit all while kissing me, licking me, moaning how badly he wanted me. when he finally stopped he licked his fingers then put his fingers in my mouth. we kissed and shared my taste.

i couldn't help but grab his dick through his pants. he unbuttoned them for me and while i had no intentions on giving him head, i couldn't really stop myself. before i knew it i had my mouth on his dick licking it and sucking it. he was so enjoying it.

"god, i've missed you.
you. are. the. best.
i want to fuck you so bad."

i kept going and i knew he was so close but the angle was not working for us. he fingered me some more and i gave him a little more head but in the end we decided we were gonna wait for saturday to go to our favorite place so we can fuck. i'm totally looking forward to that ;)

sex aside, we sat in his car and hugged and kissed. he gave me adorable forehead kisses and without having to say it, i knew he was telling me he loves me. and i love him, too.

A's baby

just needed to share this;

i got an A-, A, A+ this quarter. this gives me a 3.885 GPA. do you know how awesome that is? i guess studying a day before exams and writing papers the day they are due is totally worth it ;)

my goal for next quarter: no A-'s !

Can Friday cum already?!

god, edward knows exactly how to turn me on. i love how after watching me prance around naked in front of him, he turns the screen to his rock hard dick and strokes it for me. i am soaking wet and can't do a fucking thing about it.

damn him and his fucking self-restraint.

Who are all of you?

within the span of like 4 days, i've had almost 100 hits. i'm curious, who is everyone? maybe if i talk more about sex, i'll get more hits? i think i'll be having plenty of sex in about 4 days from now ;)

He lost.

haha, he totally lost tonight. we were on skype just talking and he kept standing up and flashing me his dick. i figured he either really wanted some or he wanted to tease me. after he did it many more times, i figured it was the former.

"why aren't you showing me your tits?"

"do you want to see them?"

"yeah."

so i showed him my tits & played with them a bit while he just stared. he looked really turned on.

"mmm you should show me more."

"like?"

"like what's under your pants."

i took everything off but my sexy panties and shook my ass for him. at the point that i smacked my ass he told me i should take everything off for safety reasons (haha). so did, and i ran my hands over my naked body while he watched.

"you should touch yourself and let me watch."

after like ten minutes of us being dumb, i put the laptop between my legs, angled it so he could see everything, and went to work. he was moaning into the phone how much i turn him on and how he couldn't wait to lick me and fuck me. i watched him touch himself while i played with myself and then we came together. i can't wait to see what happens in roughly 8 days from now ;)

p.s. i am giving up masturbating til i see him. it really builds it all up !

Skype.

what an amazing thing skype is. me and edward had a 2 hour convo on it tonight. we talked, flirted, stripped, showed bits and pieces, had full on video sex(for a bit), and loved one another. perfect night with my baby :) i couldn't be any happier. after 5 long months of not seeing him move & talk at the same time, this was so nice. he looks even more handsome than i remember haha.

mmm, i love him.

I lost.

so me and edward always try to stop masturbating for 2 weeks prior to us seeing one another. we always give up like a day or so before and opt for steamy phone sex. so last night, he knew i was dying. i had gone 4 days without it and i truly was dying. so he told me to go ahead and do it, but i didn't want to unless he did it with me.

he gave me his whole spiel about not liking it and blah, blah, blah. but he was really pushing for me to do it. he started saying really dirty things knowing it would get me wet. and wet i did get, i was squirming in my bed but i said no. he kept doing it to make me change my mind but i said i wasn't gonna. so he said, 'let's make this interesting...'

he bet me that if he masturbated before he saw me OR if we both didn't he would be my slave the first day and pay for the room (we have no where else to fuck! :/ ), but if i did it, i had to be his slave/slut and pay. fair enough right? i have double the chances of winning! & he said that he would probably lose because after a while he needs to touch himself or his balls hurt. and he hadn't done it in a while so he's kinda overdue for it. i totally took it knowing that i was probably gonna lose.

i didn't sleep all night. i was horny all fucking night. my clit throbbed and i needed serious relief. and this morning, the same fucking thing. i was at sbux with my friend studying for my poly sci final and i couldn't help but think of sex sex sex. when i got home, the urge got worse, especially since i watched porn.

needless to say, i masturbated. i came 4 times. i still need more. i can feel it. but i think 4 for now is good enough. so if edward doesn't do it than i'm his slut for the day. sounds fun ;) i think it's a win win situation anyways. i LOVE when he takes control. so i'll just have to do anything he wants. and, i love being aggressive; it woulda been fun sitting on his face and him having to take it.

i'll do it anyways ;)

Updates!

wow, i've seriously been lagging on this. i can't come up with any excuses other than i'm sorry to the few who read this now and then. let's see what's going on in my life...

• my birthday was pretty good. i was sick prior to it so i wasn't exactly feeling great at my birthday dinner. that day was kind of a mess and the only friend who came through was alice, she is amazing. my actual birthday was good, i took a midterm which i did good on & went to disneyland with alice. and on top of that, i got my car back that day. a pretty good 20th birthday :)

• i am kicking ASS in school this quarter. A's pretty much across the board, which makes me very happy! i've had a rough two years with slacking in premed classes and having a low gpa, so this is a nice change of pace.

• i'm working but my hours are fluctuating right now. last week was 20 hours, this week is 8, next is 4. it kinda sucks because i have a lot of things to by; mom's birthday & hanukkah gift, brother's hanukkah gift, friend's christmas gifts, etc.

• edward and me are doing pretty well. i love that man for putting up with my emotions and loving me unconditionally. since we have been back together we've had little arguments here and there but we work on them together. this brings me to...

• I'M GOING THERE FOR CHRISTMAS/NEW YEARS! i am SO excited ! i've already purchased my ticket ! i'll be there for 2 & 1/2 weeks :) and i get to see my man every day ;)

that's pretty much everything going on with me. i have finals this upcoming week so i will be studying my big butt off for them ! wish me luck !

:)

in less than 2 hours i will officially no longer be a teenager. more importantly, i will be celebrating it at disney with one of my best friends. i look forward to tomorrow :)

mmm.

i love when he takes control and doesn't let me stop until he wants me to.

i love that he forced me to rub myself until i came three times, even when my clit was sore.

i love that he is dirty and kinky and wants to do everything to my body.

i love that he is gonna fuck me hard in december.

i love him.

just sayin'

Good news!

good news:

• GM is going to cover the cost ! i get a brand spanking new engine and it's totally free (okay nothing is free but this is!)! i am so happy !
• my mom doesn't have a problem with her gums !
• my dad is making money and they think they'll be fine to pay the bills !

good stuff right?! i have to say, the clouds are definitely parting. i couldn't be more grateful right now.

bad news:

i'm sick like no other. it started monday with a wonderful sore throat which is going away in exchange for a stuffy nose. i'm supposed to hit the clubs tomorrow to celebrate my 20th birthday, i hope i can! being sick isn't so bad when i count all the blessings bestowed upon me :)

I found it very interesting

that i have a review. on my blog. what i find more interesting is that it comes off too vulgar? i thought i put the warning for a reason, the reason being there would be graphic sex talk. some blogs are not for everyone, i get that. but please don't come up on my blog saying it's too much when you obviously are not open about sex talk. this blog is not for you then.

as far as jumping from one subject to another, most blogs do. my blog is about sexual and emotional adventures. i'm almost 20; my life is full of tons of adventures. i didn't specifically say it would be a sex blog. i need this as a place to vent. whether you all feel i am an ignorant college girl or not is not of my concern. i need this place to express my feelings when i have no other way. i come here to get shit off my chest.

that's all.

p.s. this was to a certain blog who reviewed mine. i do not take offense to what you wrote, i'm just merely defending why i write the way i do. i'm sorry to everyone else who reads this and thinks it's lame. it's my journal, deal.

p.s.s. a lot of people read this blog, or at least glance at it. who are all of you?! haha.

When it all falls down

i can just hear kanye in my head now. my life is in turmoil right now, and i can't do a single thing about it. let's start with my car:

my mother blew my engine last night. basically, the thermostat housing on my car was cracking (this is where antifreeze is) and when it broke, the hose connected to it with all of the antifreeze busted open and lost all of the antifreeze. while that happened, the engine was overheating and literally melted. my engine is shit. my dad told me that it's beyond reparable, fucking awesome. i know it's not my mom's fault, and i'm not mad at her, but my dad told me if she would have just noticed that the temp was rising on my car she totally could have saved it.

the mechanic at the dealer said it was due to catastrophic damage from the thermostat housing piece and right now they're figuring out if my warranty will cover it. if they do, i will be the luckiest girl in the whole fucking world. if not, i'm fucked. a new engine is $2600 plus tax. plus labor. plus no car for over a week. i'm fuckedddddd. me & my mom right now are alternating her car; she takes me to school & goes to work then picks me up later or i take her to work & go to school then pick her up later. it's kinda a bitch but it's manageable. however, there goes my trip to the east coast. i'm so bummed over that. i got my hopes up so high that i was going to see edward in about a month and a half. there's hope, but not a lot.

my & my dad did find a used engine for my car with 29,000 miles for only $600. that is so not bad, and i can afford that! i have $400 right now just to go towards my car. & i'm getting more money from the state in december, so i think i can manage. i'm still without a car but this gives me some hope that everything isn't totally going to shit. my dad is saying i'll have to go about 2 weeks without my car but i'll just have to deal. if GM covers this i can probably get a rental so that'll help. i find out tomorrow if GM will cover it, so let's pray they do! and it's not like it's my fault the fucking thermostat housing was cracking! i didn't do anything to it, and i'm not at 60,000 miles yet, and my warranty is good till i hit that. i really hope it's covered. if not, no edward :(

my second problem as i mentioned in my last post is financial difficulties with my family. over the last year my father has been building a shop with his partner. they've put everything into this business, as in our house. my dad has borrowed over $140,000 from his parents & his brother. and once again, we are completely out of money. we owe so many bills it's ridiculous. and to top it all off, we're at risk of losing our house and basically everything else we own. my dad has been saying this since he started this whole thing and he's freaking out right now. i know i don't care for him as a person, but to see my father cry is heartbreaking. what's worse is hearing him tell my mom if this all falls apart he's going to take his life.

i know my father has always been slightly depressed but i guess i never saw how depressed he really is. and today he admitted to me that if everything goes wrong, he's 'done'. i told him he should think about his kids before he makes a decision like that. i'm terrified, i really am. he doesn't want to suffer, he's suffered through so much, but taking your life and abandoning your family is not the way to go about it. my mom said something to him about leaving us to deal with all of the bullshit & he was like, 'so you'd rather me suffer with you?' he called my mom a sadistic person when she said yes. but i know what she meant, not that she wants him to suffer but that we have to work together as a family to pull through this. worse case scenario, we lose everything so we go back to the east coast. i'm trying not to think about everything falling apart. i don't want to lose it. i need to be strong for my family, especially my mother.

and that leads me to my next thing, my mom is somewhat sick. it's not cancer, thank God, it's inflammation of her small intestine, which can lead to cancer. right now, they don't know what is causing it but she has less pain than she did before so i'm praying her body is just overcoming it on it's own. and she has an infection with her gums, which is costing a grand. everything is seriously falling apart. and i can't do anything to help. i hardly make anything at my little job and the money i got from the state goes towards insurance, school, and now my car. i offered it to my mom but she won't take it. i just feel so helpless, like i can't do anything. i know things will work out in the end, but how long before it stops pouring?

me & my mom were joking today saying it's not just pouring, it's a fucking hurricane. but bright blue skies will soon follow, i hope.

Fuck my life.

my mom decided to go to a quinceanera today in LA. she left about 11 something to drive home. LA is about an hour and a half drive from where i live. fullerton is about midway. she call me at about 12 telling me my car basically died on her, is smoking, and she's in fullerton. my car is not even 4 years old & just had it's battery replaced so WTF?! i am so stressed out of my mind !

my mom is okay though, thank god. she called the police & they sent a fire truck to wait with her while she waited for AAA. thank you fire fighters, seriously. i'm glad she's okay and the tow truck is there but i am freaking out. i have a feeling my warranty won't cover this, and it's going to cause a huge dent in my savings account. fuck my life. seriously. & i don't think i'm going to make it to class tomorrow because i'm going to be at the dealer figuring out what the fuck went wrong with my little egg. everything happens to that car, and it's never my fault. my dad is a fucking mechanic, we keep our cars in check ! so why the fuck is this happening?!

UGH !

How wonderful it is..

to be loved. and to be back with edward. we're back together and told one another what we will do this time around to make this work. as of right now i plan on going there but i don't know if i will be able to due to unforeseen financial difficulties (which i will post about in my next blog) with my family.

i'm happy, i really am. don't judge me.

HHNT.

i thought i'd give you guys a lil something. i'm obviously not naked but you can see my figure. i present to you: curvayyy queen of hearts.

An update.

since i posted my last post i've been pretty much just keeping busy with school, work, and friends. i always knew i had amazing friends but i really saw it this past week. through so many rough times i have been there for my friends; dealing with abortions, breakups, home issues, etc. i've helped them through so much. it was a nice change to be helped for once, to have my friends take care of me.

my partner in crime last night, as well as my date, alice in wonderland sat with me for almost 4 and 1/2 hours on monday. she was my shoulder. she hugged me so tightly when i cried. i can't thank her enough for helping me and having faith in us and believing edward will pull it all together.

the rest of my girls, lady gaga, hot nurse, barbie, and mrs. jones* have done everything they can to make me feel better. i am truly blessed to have such wonderful friends who know i'm going through a hard time with all of this waiting. they have comforted me and they see that edward is doing this to make a better future for us in the end.

speaking of edward, we talked thursday night. for 3 & 1/2 hours. holy shit, we never talk that long when we're dating haha. we talked about everything. from his suicidal thoughts when he was younger to him struggling with depression for years, to his childhood and his parent's unstable relationship. we discussed everything. we discussed us, and what we hope will happen.

i asked him if he thinks this will all be done by march. he says there is a 50/50 chance. but then again, there's a 50/50 chance he could be done with this by next week, 2 weeks from now, 1 month from now. we really have no clue when he could figure this all out. his stepfather actually came home friday night but he's not at their house, he's staying at friends i believe.

what i wondered about is, if he finally figures out what will come out of the divorce, the living situation, etc., will he be less depressed? he said probably because that one huge stressor is the main cause of his depression. so when i asked if he would come back to me at the point he said yes. but then, that's not really working through your depression, it's just eliminating a stressor that was causing depression. but he told me that because it would be eliminated he would be able to pay more attention to me and work through his depression with me. only time will tell though. and to be honest, i hope he knows what will come out of the divorce soon. not just for us but for him, especially since the holidays are coming up.

and with the holidays coming up, i'm not going there as i have said in my other post. i told him if he figured it all out by the end of november i'd still go. but if not, i don't think i could. idk, it's sucha mess. but i support him.

i did have a slight problem with him hanging out with his ex friday. i mean, come on, we just broke up. but he assured me he went to the mall with her because she was depressed over something and the whole time she kept telling him he should get back with me. she said she could see how depressed he looked over our break up and that we should get back together like asap. i like her haha. like i said though, time will tell all.

on another note, halloween was nice. hung out with my friends, drank some drank, ate some pizza, and had a good time. i was a sexy queen of hearts with 4 inch black patent leather pumps, long sexy eyelashes, fishnet thigh-hi's, and my cute costume. it was a hit and i felt damn good. overall, it was a nice weekend. lady gaga and i stayed up til 4 this morning talking about life and me and edward and everything.

i have to say, for being slightly depressed over everything, i am handling this well. i am going on with my life while still keeping my love for edward alive. i'm not letting this get the best of me. of course i'm sad but i'm managing. school and work is keeping me busy and my friends have been so helpful. plus talking to edward and agreeing for every monday and thursday to talk makes me feel good to know we're going to keep in touch. i don't feel as empty as i did monday. maybe it's wishful thinking...

by the way, does no one read this? am i just writing to no one? i never get any comments or views often. maybe you all are sick of edward and me? but i would appreciate some feedback, and of course i'll leave you some on your bl0g :)



*please excuse the halloween costume reference, i didn't want to put their real names.

As I take a break...

from my paper on compulsory heterosexuality, i figured now would be a good time to explain what is going on with me and edward.

after arguing on and off for about a week and a half, things came crashing down. he is not the man i want him to be, as much as it pains me to say it. he is different from when we first began dating and i miss him. for about two weeks now he has become distant with me once again and showing me little to no affection, and when he does it's because i asked for it. i told him that i know the divorce is coming up and i know that's why he is acting the way he is, but in order for me to patient with him he needs to compromise with me. i told him what i need and want, and that i am willing to find a middle ground. it's not that easy though.

after hours of talking sunday morning, he decided it would be for the best for us to break up. he told me that he wants to be the man he was before and be able to take care of me and in order for him to actually be able to he has to work on himself. he has been battling depression for years and this divorce is only making it worse. we both agree he needs to get a grip on it, it affects too many aspects of his life, including this relationship.

although i am all for him working on himself, it doesn't make it hurt any less. the pain i feel is immeasurable. i have felt sick to my stomach since yesterday. my struggle with all of this is what if it's just an excuse, what if he doesn't want to be with me? well he has never lied to me and he told me a million times it's not some line. he really feels he has deep issues and he needs to fix them before it fucks him over for good. i could hear the love and sadness in his voice. he told me he loves me more than i could ever know and it breaks his heart to know that this is killing me. he feels terrible, but he wants to do this now to reduce future pain.

i have to admit that had we not broken up sunday it would have happened eventually. and i think i would have been the one to end it and i wouldn't want to get back with him. he was already becoming distant from me and snappy with me and it just would have gotten worse. i totally get his logic and why he feels we need to do this but it hurts so much. we're technically not together, but when we have talked on the phone we can't help but use pet names and declare our love for one another. i know most of you probably think i'm fucking nuts, but i love him enough to let him go, to let him figure his shit out so we can have a happy future together.

i know the chances of us getting back together are very high. but even though i have all the faith in the world, it's going to be a hard, lonely next few months. i don't even want christmas here anymore. i'm not going there because it would be too hard. and i told him when he is ready and has figured everything out that he needs to fly his ass out here and tell me to my face. he promised me he would.

i know he loves me. i can hear it. so many times yesterday he came close to saying, 'take me back' but he never did. he's a strong man who sticks to his words. i want him to get better, not just for me and this relationship but for his own being. i care so much about edward, and i hate not being with him. it's only been two days and it's so hard. but i know i am a strong woman and i am not going to let this control my life. i will miss him everyday, and i will continue to love him everyday. we both agreed we'd talk once a week at the least and text throughout the week to see how the other one is. but i don't think i will do most of the texting and calling. he needs to figure his shit out without me constantly wanting more from him. i wanted to text him so badly this morning when i found out i got a 97% on my test for political theory, but i didn't.

i hope things turn out for the best. i think in time it will make us stronger and like i said before, i get why he is doing this, but it doesn't take away the pain.

"if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be."

let's hope this applies to me and edward.

:/

Major sigh.

we broke up. please excuse me if i'm not on this very often, at least for a while. i want to feel numb and keep busy so i don't think about what i feel. all i know is we're probably gonna get back together when he figures his shit out.

funny, i don't really want to tell my friends or 'cancel' my relationship with him on facebook. but i did want to tell all of you.

i feel so alone. my heart hurts. i hope the pain goes away.

sigh.

Bad Blogger!

i know, i'm such a terrible blogger. please don't throw virtual tomatoes at me ! i've been busy this past week. nothing but midterms & papers. oh the life of an undergrad. other than that though things have been really good. edward's friend doesn't care to meet me so we're just gonna leave it at that. i think it's slightly immature considering she is 28 but if she doesn't care to meet me then i'm not going to put in the effort. edward has assured me her opinion of us will never matter to him and that he doesn't need to prove our relationship to anyone, we just need to keep working and loving one another.

on another note, i do need to share some wonderful phone sex i've had lately. edward realized how important is it to me to feel connected to him, intimately that is, and the only way we can achieve that is through phone sex. we had amazing, passionate, no-talking-just-moaning phone sex last week and it was truly beautiful. every single part of it. the way he said my name, the way he told me he loves me, the way he moaned and i moaned. he had me come three times just so he could hear me moan. by the third one i was worn out but it was such a perfect night. he was so loving with me that whole night and told me all night how much he missed me & really loved me. i truly love that man.

and two nights ago we had phone sex on our ten month anniversary (i know, we're so cheesy haha). it was a little more rough; he said dirty things to me and told me what to do to myself. he gets so into it, telling me he wants to blindfold me and do whatever he wants to my body. i love our dirty phone sex ;)

i'm sorry i'm not too descriptive tonight, it's been a long day and i am quite exhausted. i hope all you lovely people are doing well.

Happy Birthday Edward.

today is my love's birthday. i could sit here and write everything i love about him but i'm not going to. i love him more than you can imagine, so we'll leave it at that.

last night i wished him a happy birthday at 12 on the dot on the east coast & he opened my gifts. i got him:

• house season 4
• the stu ungar story
• two very nice shirts from express
• a pull-up bar that connects to your door

he loved them all, which made me happy :) we spent the night talking and loving. my only gripe is i wish i could be with him today :/

on another note, i am quite amazed with myself. i have let go of all jealousy. like, really. his ex's have been calling & texting and it's not bothering me one bit! and he went to some fair with some friends from class and one happened to be a chick but it didn't phase me. i really trust edward, and i know there is no reason to be jealous of these girls. i even think his ex that keeps texting him is still in love with him, and it doesn't bother me. i can't be mad if she still loves him, i don't blame her actually. and he doesn't do anything to provoke it.

however, there is one person i am truly jealous of: j. j. is his lesbian friend (who he used to like!) who he hangs out with all the fucking time. he sleeps over, he drinks, he chills, etc. but i just can't seem to feel so much jealousy in me when i hear her name. i know she is totally into chicks, and i know he no longer feels that way about her, but i feel so jealous over their newly reconnected bond. they stopped hanging out forever ago because she moved an hour away from him. but now, since like july, they're bff. no really, he said, 'she's one of my bestest friends. ever.'

this makes me feel like maybe one day she'll replace me. not as a girlfriend but as his best friend. i am his best friend; he talks to me about everything. but i'm afraid that in time he'll go to her more than he goes to me. i just can't help it. and it doesn't help that she has said a few times that she thinks our relationship isn't worth it. i just don't even think she cares about how happy he is because she never asks about us. my friends ask all the time about me & edward. i know people are different but i couldn't imagine not being concerned with my friend's love lives. maybe it's because she's like 28 and this relationship seems too childish to her? i really dunno.

so i told edward all of this, that i am really jealous of her. and i really need to meet her. i think until i do i'm going to continue to feel this jealousy. i need to see who she is. edward said he'd ask but i told him that if she hesitates or says something along the lines of 'i don't care to meet her' then i don't want to bother with her. i'll never make him choose me or them, but i won't bother with trying to show her i'm not a bitch.

i think part of the reason she has said that stuff before is because at that time, we were going through our rough patch. and edward told me he always defended me to her. i don't know, i'm just so angry that she doesn't care. and the fact that he did like her only 6 months before we started talking again drives me a little crazy.

i'm not mad at edward though, i'm just jealous of her. they're so close i'm afraid that she'll be his go-to-girl instead of me. but he's told me that'll never happen. i just always feel so uneasy about him spending the night. he always offers to come home rather than stay but i just tell him to stay. he's going there this week to chill for his birthday and even though it does bother me, i want him to go ad enjoy himself. he deserves that. i appreciate the fact though that he's willing to not go, it means a lot to me. but i refuse to control him. i told him as long as he texts me like more than once the whole time he's there i'll be fine; it just puts me more at ease.

sigh, jealousy sucks.

Heart Aches.

i'm so sad. i'm having one of those i-miss-edward-so-much-it-hurts moment. i miss that boy with all my heart. i never want to go more than three months without seeing him again. it's too much. i can bear with three months, i got used to it. but this six months thing, it's killing me.

i think about him everyday. everything is so amazing between us now. we're so much closer. he even told me the other day that he is so proud of how i let go of jealousy. our relationship is on this new level. we don't bicker and we hardly fight. we just love one another. he tells me all the time that he loves me and that he's still as crazy about me as he was in the beginning.

i'm having such a hard moment right now. i haven't kissed the man i love in about four months. i haven't held his hand or touched his face in so long. i want more than anything to see him. i love him.

sigh, i wish i could stop with the water works. this is not helping me concentrate on my paper. maybe a shower will help calm me down.

also, his birthday is thursday. i'll post on that on friday probably. goodnight ladies & gents.

Quick Quiz.

1. What is your underwear “style” of choice?
booty shorts & cheekies from VS. i love my ass in them.

2. How old were you when you had your first sexual experience?
well i grabbed a dick at the age of 17 but i decided against doing anything (sorry for the blueballs!). but my first real sex experience, with edward at 19.

3. What about a potential partner turns you on?

being a mystery. i love the whole getting-to-know-someone phase. it makes things exciting.

4. Have you ever played a game which may require you or others to disrobe?
no but i probably will in the future ;)

5. Given or received finger scratch marks during sexual activity?
i've given & received. i love the feeling of nails running down my back.

Bonus: How many times is the most you have ever had sex in a 24 hour period?
about five times. and it was fucking amazing. we need to beat our record ;)

i copied this from someone's blog. i think i'll do more of these in the future.

tomorrow i need to write a paper on gender and sex differences so i'll prolly post some of that on here :)

Withdrawals.

oh how i need to feel a dick inside me right now. it's been three months and some days since i've had sex. i'm going through sex withdrawals. i need to feel a body against mine, edward's of course. i want to touch him and kiss him and fuck him.

oh december can't cum fast enough.

Passion.

we arrived at our favorite place to mess around, some no-tell-motel that makes us feel quite at home. from the mirrored ceiling to the heart shaped jacuzzi in the middle of the room, there's something about this motel that gets us going. maybe it's because we feel dirty fucking in a motel designed for fucking, or maybe it's because it's the only spot in the whole god damn town we can actually go to make passionate love. either way, we love our spot.

as we walked into the room i felt this dire need inside me; i was dying to see him naked, i was dying to do dirty things to him. we looked at each other quickly and within a second were ravaging each other. his lips pressed hard against mine, urgent, he couldn't get enough of my mouth. his hands wrapped around my voluptuous body as his tongue played with mine. my hands entangled in his hair, kissing him back just as fiercely. he ripped of my top while i unbuttoned his shirt revealing his smooth, pale chest. i struggled with his pants while he tore off my bra to free my breasts. once we both removed our pants we began to kiss again, this time heading towards the bed.

i pinned him down and lay on top of him kissing every inch of his chest. it's smoothness and fairness under the light made him look godlike. as i continued to kiss him, i could feel his erection grow harder. i began to lick and suck on his ears while he moaned softly and squirmed. i moved down to his neck where i nibbled and licked it until he was pushing me to go even farther down. i kissed his nipples and stomach slowly, making him wait for what he wanted most. i made my way down to his glorious cock where i teased him with my tongue. i licked it as if it were a lollipop. i licked up and down and then moved the head to my lips. i licked it and sucked on it then enveloped it entirely. i began to suck his cock harder, switching from tongue to sucking to licking his balls. he moaned as i used my juicy lips and warm tongue to pleasure him.

before i could have him come, he grabbed me and pulled me up to his face were he kissed me passionately. i was sitting on top of him when he flipped me over and pinned me down. he kissed my lips with passion. he moved to my neck where he licked it making me writhe underneath him. he began making his way down, stopping to suck on each nipple lightly. i gasped as i felt his tongue reach it's destination. the warmth of his tongue on my wet pussy was mesmerizing. i moaned and jerked as he used his tongue on me. he began to suck on my clit, causing my to moan even louder. he used his fingers inside my tight pussy while he licked my clit to bring me to the edge.

he stopped and climbed on top of me. as we kissed i slipped my hand down and grabbed his cock, only this time using it as my personal toy. i pressed the head to my clit causing us both to moan. i moved his cock up and down as if it were a toy, my toy.

"put the head in, i want to feel you." i did as he asked and moaned when the head filled my virgin pussy. it was painful and pleasurable all at the same time. we moaned and moved together, it was amazing. we were in love and needed each other badly.

he got off of me and lay next to me. looking me in the eye he said, "ride me cowgirl." lust filled through me and he made me even wetter. i got on top of him i rode his cock letting it rub against my wet pussy, but never filling it. i kept riding him until he flipped me over and began to thrust into me while pulling my hair.

"i want to make love to the most beautiful woman on this planet. i love you so much," he said as he kissed me. we kissed and played with each other for hours that night. i finally made my way down again but this time i was set on making him come.

i was longing to taste it. after the first time i swallowed his delicious cum i was in love. i would have it no other way, i wanted his cum in my mouth. i let him straddle me so he could fuck my face. he thrust harder and harder into my mouth until he burst inside it, letting me swallow his cum. we finished off our night with his fingers inside my wet pussy, fingering me until i came. a kiss sealed our beautiful night.

Epiphany.

he had one this past weekend. he's no longer confused. he knows what he wants, me. his words were music to my ears. he made me feel stronger and gave me more faith.

i am happy, truly happy. we have made it past our speed bump, and it is now up to us to keep going as long as we can. i love edward with every single inch of me. we both can't stop talking about december. something has changed both of us. i feel so much more in love with him lately. i blush when talking about him to C*. i feel like a giddy school girl, giggling at everything he says. he flirts with me, he tells me how much he loves me, how he wants me there with him, how he wants me forever. it feels amazing to be loved and adored.

i don't know what caused this at all. when i asked edward he told me, "be happy. just let it go and be happy. don't worry about what caused it. i want you." he sent me such cute texts the day he told me he wasn't confused anymore.

maybe i'm too in love that i'll let my love blind my logic again. i don't think it will though, i am starting fresh and not dwelling on things anymore. i will go day by day and stop looking into the future. i know edward may not be the one, but only time will tell. as for now, i'm going to love him and he's going to love me.

*an old friend from high school

What happened?

to all my readers & commenters? am i not interesting anymore? maybe not. edward suggests writing fictitious stories about me and him fighting, haha. that just seems too desperate. i did however enjoy the occasional comment here and there. edward calls me an attention whore for that. whatever, i like sharing my biznazz.

by the way, i totally just touched myself 5 minutes ago and had a lovely orgasm. just thought you should know.

;)

Welcome back...class is cancelled today.

School started again. i drove twenty minutes to attend lecture to find out my professor supports the University of California (UC) walk-out. so after twenty minutes of her telling us the problem, she walked out.

right now, the UC system is one of the best university systems in the US. in 1980, the state of california alloted 17% of it's budget to go to higher education. as of 2008, the percentage has fallen to a measly 7%. so what does this mean? well, for one it means that faculty has cuts in salary and furloughs, and two, staff is being downsized. so where does that put me and the other hundred thousand kids that go to UC's?

tuition spikes. like major. since i've started at this university my tuition has gone up about 1000 bucks. i thank god my parents don't make enough money because this year the state of sunny california has given me a shit load of cash. it not only covers my tuition but i also get a nice fat check at the end of every quarter for anything i need. pretty nice, huh?

but what about those kids that can't afford it? by fall of 2010, tuition will have gone up about $2400. not everyone can afford that. about 40% of all students at my school are the first in their families to go to college. my school happens to be one of the more affordable UC's in comparison to some of the bigger ones. the UC system was built on the foundation that it would be affordable higher education. affordable my ass. i really doubt that many kids will be going to any UC's next year. community colleges are wayyy cheaper.

plus, because my school is shit broke they are accepting more students to make up for their loss in budget. which means more crowded classes and less chance of getting into a class you actually need. i'm glad i'm a third year and my priority has gone up. i know i have nothing to bitch about, but i really feel bad for everyone that is affected by this huge fiscal crisis. stupid california.

deviating from the fiscal crisis, my classes are nice so far. maybe when i learn something super interesting i'll post on it. i'm taking women's studies, political theory, and psychology. i'm sure i'll have interesting things to post on, especially from my women's studies class.

ps. edward and i are great. we have issues but what couple doesn't?

Thinking.

all week things were perfect. all week he did everything i asked him to do. the one day he's depressed and needs me i failed him. why am i so stupid? why did i let it bother me so much that he was depressed? i promised him patience and he promised me he'd try. he fulfilled his end of the bargain, why couldn't i? maybe it's because i can't be patient. or maybe, it's because it fell on our anniversary.

i truly am an idiot. i wanted the 20th to be all about me rather than us. how unfair is that? i went into that day with such high expectations thinking he was going to be incredibly romantic and charming. as soon as i realized he was depressed i got frustrated; why of all fucking days did his depression land on our anniversary? after a month of fighting and then promising each other we would start fresh i thought our anniversary would be the perfect day to really start fresh. to show our love for one another, to let everything go from the past. me, me, me was all i thought this past sunday. i was so disappointed when he told me that he was depressed all day. why that day? that day was supposed to be a happy and loving day. and because i am a selfish bitch, i ruined our anniversary with tears of frustration rather than supporting him the one day he needed me.

this lead to another almost-breakup. i cried sunday night asking him why he was confused, why he didn't know if we could make it, why he wasn't sure if he didn't wanted me forever anymore. everything has confused me. all day yesterday we talked on and off about things. he told me he doesn't think i am capable of being patient; i keep promising and i keep failing. i had to remind him that for one month i wasn't because he wasn't trying for me. i fucked up one day, and for that he doesn't know if i can be patient. minus my fuck up, i think i've been pretty damn patient. my mother tells me all the time what a strong and patient woman i am to tolerate the bullshit he puts me through.

i am still here even though he doesn't know if we can last three years.

i am still here even though he doesn't know if he even wants to be with me forever.

i am still here even though he makes me cry because he is confused.

i am still here even though he tells me contradictory statements.

i am still here even though he thinks negatively and thinks a breakup is inevitable.

i am still here even though it sometimes hurts me to be here.

i cry more now than i have ever cried before. it amazes me how much i cry, how weak i can be. how i swore to myself i'd never let a boy put me through pain but i do. because i fucking love this boy. i love him regardless of everything because he did make me so happy at one point and because i think that in time everything will go back to how things are. am i foolish to think so? please someone tell me if i'm wasting my time. we both agreed to keep trying, but is it worth it?

after talking with my mom last night and this morning i've come to a few conclusions:

• i am going to stop believing edward is the one; if he is, great, if not, well someone else will be.
• i am going to stop looking into the future and just live my life right now with him. as much as i want to marry him one day, i need to stop thinking it's actually going to happen. i'm not saying it won't, but i'm not saying it will. it's too far away. i'd be a fool to continue thinking we're meant to be together so early on in our relationship. he filled my head with these thoughts and as much as i still want it all to happen, i don't know if it actually will. i don't know if we'll be together tomorrow, let alone next month.
• i am going to stop analyzing his words and just let it go.
• i am going to stop asking him questions about our future.
• i am going to stop obsessing over the fact that he doesn't know if we'll make it three years. my mom is so right, i have no idea what is going to happen. and while i want us to make it three years who knows if we will. we, I, need to stop thinking about the future and just enjoy being together now.
• i am never going to stop loving him.

that last one scares me. i love him so much, and i know i always will. it just may be platonic one day. i hate that i am so in love that i let it blind logic. we really do not know what is going to happen. we just need to try to make it work as long as we can. it sucks to realize all this when my heart doesn't want to. i know deep down i want to be with edward forever, but it's not logical to think it's definitely going to happen. there's a possibility we will make it through this and last. but there's also a greater possibility we won't. i hate thinking that way but it's the truth. i'm not going to think negatively everyday or think that we're going to break up as he does. i'm going to continue to try and whatever happens, happens. i'm still going to put all of my heart into this relationship, but i'm going to stop letting my heart control the way i think. my emotions have taken control over my logic. i went from being the girl who knew not to let love blind me to the girl who let love blind her.

believe me, i am going to love edward until it doesn't work anymore but i refuse to think about our future anymore. at least not the way i have. of course i will still think of living together in three years but that's as far into the future that i want to think. i don't want to think about marriage and babies and us forever. because if this does end, as he believes it will, it will just hurt that much more. even though i am going to just try and love and stop looking into things, am i wasting my time though? am i wasting my time with a guy who is self-loathing and thinks that we are going to breakup? he truly thinks we are going to break up. he also thinks we're the right people, it's just the wrong time. he thinks that he doesn't know if he's going to want a long term relationship in the future. he is confused on so many fucking levels.

i love him with all my heart but i know my patience is running thin. and to be honest, it isn't going to be long before i bid adieu. i am going to try one more time. this is the last time. i am going to try for him and us and i am hoping that seeing me in december will make him see things more clearly. if december comes and he still thinks we're going to break up soon, i don't think my heart will be able to handle it anymore and i am going to have to end it. i don't want to, and it hurts more than anything to think about a possible break up. i know we may make it two more years then break up for some other reason. but if he can look me in the eyes in december and tell me that he thinks we will break up, i don't want to wait for it to happen. i'm giving him three months to think and figure out what he wants. as much as he tells me he wants to be with me, i think he's confused. he's never allowed himself to love someone as much as he loves me and i know it scares him and confuses him.

i'm really hoping that seeing me will change things. i don't know if it's worth it to stay in a relationship if one half of the couple doesn't even see it ever working out. i am being logical, i know things may not work out. but i don't sit there and think to myself, 'we're not going to make it.' he really thinks we're going to break up. but he also thinks that in time we'll be back together. he confuses me more than anything and it hurts me to know he is confused about us.

*i updated a few things because i realized that i didn't like my wording on this. i think i figured out a lot just from rereading my post. i may post on that later. for now, me and edward are going to try. he keeps saying things have a way of working out, i hope he's right.

Perfect.

i haven't posted anything in three days because for three days, everything has been absolutely perfect. i can't even begin to explain how things have been going between me and edward. it's like a light switch went on. he's been this loving and funny boyfriend for four days now. every night we talk we have a good time. last night was by far the best; we were flirting, messing around, being dumb, and calling each other names. and even though he was too exhausted to have phone sex, he didn't shoot down my advances in the usual way. he laughed and i could tell that if i was there we would have been all over each other but he politely told me he was too tired and wasn't up for it tonight. whenever i made dirty comments he'd laugh and i could tell it was genuine, which is all i can ask for.

all in all, we've had a great week so far. no arguing at all. we did talk the other days about how i'm more insecure lately because of everything that happened and how i need to stop living in fear. but i sorta had an epiphany wednesday night, which makes me think everything will get better for me. i appreciate edward trying more than anything. he's put aside his depression and wants us to work out. he still doesn't have too much faith but i really think in time all of that will change.

i know that when the divorce happens, it's gonna get bad again. i have faith it won't affect us as bad this time. i'm prepared and i know we're going to do everything we can to make it work. and since i'll be there in december i'll be able to comfort him more so than i do now. things are definitely turning up for us :)

Quickie but a fucking goodie.

one, i am on a fucking ROLL updating this shit. that's because my life has been a big ol' mess lately. i have to say, i think things are actually turning up for real. i know last post i was ranting about how me and edward have problems but i need to stop looking at it that way and just live my life with him. we both have to make an effort and if we can it will all work out. i really need to stop being so fucking insecure about my relationship. we hit a huge speed bump, but will make it through it.

two, i finally got some nooky over the phone. it was sucha shock today when i was telling him about my plans for tomorrow when he goes, "i have no pants on." i really didn't think he wanted anything because he's never in the mood, like ever. but then again, he usually pretends to not care about what i'm saying then says something like 'i'm naked' when he's horny. i was kinda torn but i just said that's nice and continued on with my plans.

he then asked what i was wearing. incredulous, i told him my pajamas (seriously, the boy never catches me naked or in hot lingerie or anything sexy. it's always fucking pajamas & sweats). he quickly told me to strip outta them. you can imagine what came next. tons of low pants, (my dad would be home) moans, and dirty dirty words.

i truly love hearing the following:

"i wanna fuck your ass so hard."

"i wanna cum inside your ass."

"i wanna fuck your pussy then fuck your mouth."

"i wanna cum all over your face."

"i wanna lick your pussy so bad."

"i can't wait to fuck you."

all of those turn me on. and he said 5/6 today. i was dying; it was so hot. even though it was a quickie it was great, and so unexpected. i never would have thought i'd be having phone sex anytime soon. i thought maybe next weekend because it's our anniversary but today was awesome. especially since i got some ass action ;) of course all of that was followed by us cumming in unison. how fucking perfect is that?

Time will tell all.

so me and edward talked last night. it wasn't the best of nights. somehow talking about his problems always turns to our problems.

earlier yesterday morning we had a little argument. it wasn't really an argument though. every morning, no matter how much we have fought the night before, no matter how tired he is from lack of sleep, no matter how late he is for work or school, he sends me the following text message: "E>." since we have taken our 'break' he has forgotten three times. and i know it may seem really insignificant to others but i'm used to getting a robot heart, as i like to call it, every day. it's our little thing. he has sent that to me everyday and i always respond back with a "<3."

on top of that, all week he has been lagging in texting me back. usually he texts back within like a minute or two, ten at the most. but all week, hours will go by before i get a text. finally, (seriously can i complain anymore?) he didn't text me to let me know he was going to his friend's house. not that i care if he goes out but we both know to text the other one just to give a heads up. especially since he was going to his friends that live about an hour away, i figured common courtesy would be to just text me letting me know. so i was kinda confused when all three things he's done all week happened within like thirty minutes in one shot.

i text him asking what's up and if there was anything he's keeping from me. this is so outta character for him. i've been with him eight plus months and not once has he ever done this. so i was really confused. and i text him and he's taking forever and when he finally replies it's 'i'm sorry.' that should have been good enough for me but i like explanations. he finally told me after several 'i'm sorry' texts that he feels like shit for what he does to me and it's not fair to me and he's depressed because of everything in his life and even more depressed that he lets this affect the ones he loves, including me. we decided to talk last night rather than tonight since i work really really late.

we finally talked after i had gotten off work and i could hear his depression. it's so sad. at first we talked about that and i asked him why does he let it bother him so badly? i understand it's hard, fuck i'd be depressed too. but i would try to not me miserable. i've been depressed before and i know it sucks more than anything, but i still carried on throughout my day. i still talked with edward every night and tried not to let it leak in our relationship. so we talked about that for a bit and then like i said earlier, things slowly turned into our problems.

"so what did so&so say today after she saw how upset you were?"

"she thinks it's not worth it."

"do you? i think it is, i think we can make this work."

"i do. otherwise i'd be off the phone."

"does she know about all the other problems in your life right now?"

"yeah."

"does she know that those problems are a huge part of why your depressed? or does she thinks it's all me?"

"i know she thinks it's all you."

it's so sad that edward's friends blame me for his depression. what's even sadder is that he doesn't tell them anything (he's not very open) but they just assume i am the reason. i may be part of it though, well our fighting the past few weeks. he told me he slept better this week and he hasn't slept good in months. it sucks thinking i'm the reason he can't sleep. for months. but i figured out that in july it was due to him having no job and then after because we were fighting so much and now because we're fighting and the divorce. i'll admit, i slept way better this week. as much as i missed him the time not talking helped me think a lot about what i can do.

i'm going to try to be as patient as i can. i don't know how long i can be patient and it would be stupid of me to think i can be forever. but i love edward more than anything, and i think i owe him and our relationship a little patience. but it's not just me, and i told him that. i told him exactly what i need and what i want. i need him to love me, and he can't just change who he is with me. we both agreed to try and i'm hoping we can let go of everything and just work this out together.

we'll see how everything goes. we talked earlier and he is really tired from no sleep (hmm wonder why) so he didn't really wanna talk. he's going out with his best friend for lunch and i know his bf is going to assume that he's depressed because of me. it really bothers me that everyone thinks i'm this big bad bitch to edward. i love him more than they know. and i am trying to work everything out. but four people in his life all think i'm causing him so much stress and depression. they don't even know the fucking half of everything going on in his life. they don't know the details like i do, about the divorce that is. so they base everything off of how he is and assume we fought. i think it's bullshit. and i wish he'd just defend me. i wish he'd tell them, 'you know, it's not her. i have a lot going on right now and she's doing the best she can to make me happy.' i wish he would say that! i'm sick of feeling like i'm causing this because the more i think i cause his problems the shittier i feel and the more i just wanna end this to make him happier. but i know that it's not me, that his friends think that, not him.

we'll see in time. i hate that the one thing i thought was so fucking stable in my life isn't anymore. i hate that i finally get over my jealousy but now his depression is affecting us. i hate that i can't do anything. i hate that when i tell him i'm coming in december for two weeks he says, 'yeah but it's not enough.' i hate that i love him so much that i am willing to put myself through this. any sane normal girl would stop trying when they knew that nothing they do will make anything better, but i keep trying. i have so much faith in us. i know he's going through a hard time. and i try to justify it by saying, 'well if we were married i wouldn't leave him because he's depressed. i need to be supportive and patient.'

i'm so set on being with him forever that i think if we broke up it wouldn't last. it would end a book, but not necessarily the story. we both agree on one thing: we can't be without each other. it's a good feeling to know that despite the fights from the past few weeks, despite his depression, we love each other more than anything. i think if you guys heard the love when we speak to each other you'd know it's gonna work. it's just up to us to make it happen.

No Sugarcoating.

yesterday i was in an incredibly loving mood and was realllllyyyy missing my edward. i hadn't talked to him since monday night and i wanted to show him how much i truly do love him. in an effort to that, i copied and pasted my blog from yesterday in an email to him. i sent him a text telling him to check his email because i had sent him something that i had put a lot of though into.

after i had sent it i checked the sent email to see if it linked back to my blog. it did. i copied the entire post, including the title. one click on the title and you were directed to Racy Rendezvous. oh fuck is what i though. i sent him another text right away saying please don't click on the green title, it takes you to my blog. he knows i have one, so i wasn't worried about him finding out. what worried me was him reading my previous posts regarding our relationship and how i felt.

so i waited and waited and he never text me back. finally, about 40 minutes later he sent me this text: "it was cute. but the other ones made me cry." fuck fuck fuck! i asked him how many he read and to that he replied, "enough." an impulse shot right through me and before i could stop myself i was already calling him.

we talked for maybe thirty minutes yesterday about my blog. at first he didn't tell me which ones he had read, actually he said he didn't remember them. eventually he let it slip that he had read "uncertainty," "taking a break," the one about my father, and some more. i'm not mad at him though. when i began this blog i had told him all about it and he could read it if he liked, i'm really honest with him. he is the only person i know in real life that is aware of my blog. and i don't feel bad about what i wrote, it's my personal opinion. i do however feel bad that he read it. he said it was so different seeing it in print because he knows i'm not sugarcoating it like i do when we talk. and he's right, to avoid fighting i sugarcoat things sometimes. a lot of what i wrote in those two main posts about him i am definitely not sugarcoating.

and by me not doing that, he's getting knocked the fuck out with my words. it's all honest and while it may be blunt, it's all the truth. he read my honesty and finally sees how it has affected me over the past three weeks. he sees now that he has hurt me and for that he feels really bad. i feel bad that he saw it. i try and be as honest as i can with edward, but i'm usually not that blunt with him to spare his feelings. believe me, i never wanted him to read all of that stuff because i didn't want him feeling bad. he feels bad enough when we fight over the phone or if he makes me cry. i have the most caring man ever, he seriously feels low whenever we fight. which i wish he didn't but i know he does care about my feelings. so after fighting for weeks i didn't wanna add insult to injury. so he read it all and now feels even lower because he sees what it all comes off as in my eyes. it's like looking through my head and seeing exactly how i have perceived everything.

i could hear how sad he was yesterday. and hurt, but not because i'm lying or making it worse than it appears, but because he didn't realize how much all of this affected me. which in turn makes me feel bad that he read everything. i tried telling him how i do defend him and i do make an effort to point out that he is going through a really hard time. he knows i do but he still feels bad, and i know it's now going to be in the back of his mind for a while. he told me yesterday he would do anything to make me happy, and to see how he hasn't in a while hurts him more than anything. i know we have our issues but when it comes down to it, i don't know many men that would still try after problems have come up, especially when it's a long distance relationship. i know i may complain and i kinda can't help that, i'm human and woman, but i have to say he is one of the most caring and loving men i have ever met. words can't do justice to show how much i really love him. he's my everything and i am his.

all in all, i think it may have been a good thing he read it all. he agreed with me and said that he can't do this to me. he told me i am being the perfect amount of patient and he couldn't ask or expect anymore from me. he also acknowledges the fact that i do have needs and he's going to try his best to attend to my needs. i still feel bad that he saw it but he tells me not to. he wants me to stop sugarcoating my words over the phone. that's gonna take some work but i can try for him.

as far as talking goes we're not going to talk until sunday night. it's not what i want at all but he is stubborn and won't budge. he did tell me though that he is constantly thinking of calling me and has had to stop himself many times. that makes me feel better, knowing i'm always on his mind :) and sunday night we are starting fresh. we both agreed we are going to try to live in the present and not look back at our problems the past few weeks. we're going to try our best to let everything go and not hold anything against one another. i really feel this is going to work out. i know he's crazy about me, i could hear every single ounce of love in his voice yesterday. it's amazing how much love we have for one another.

How I met Edward.

someone asked me why edward lives so far away, and how long has it been like this. i think it's time i explain all of it. i'm not gonna lie, it's kinda crazy.

a little over four years ago i moved to sunny california. i was 15 and i had been going through my phase of online chats prior to me moving. me and my best friend over on the east coast would spend hours in chats online, we really loved the attention. we were never stupid about it, we never would meet anyone. we did however talk to guys but never ever gave away information. we'd make up fake names and send fake pictures and pretended to be about 5-6 years older than we really were. and guys believed us, which was the best part about it. 

like i said, when i moved i was still going through that phase. now that i look back at it i can't believe how lame i was and how i spent way too much time on the internet. four years ago i was in an aim chat one day just being the loud-mouthed teenager i am and some boys were giving me a run for my money. they cursed me out and said all these things to me but i kept saying shit back, because i really thought i was all that. i can honestly tell you i remember so much of that day, because i ended up meeting the love of my life four years too soon. 

i was getting kinda fed up because they would not shut the fuck up for shit and i thought to myself, 'why the fuck am i in here? i don't know these dumb boys, aol has real guys.' i told them i was gonna bounce, and they could all go fuck themselves (yes i really thought i was hot shit). and i remember it so perfectly, he said, "no don't go! i love you." i know it sounds cheesy and i even thought it was cheesy too, but it just made me laugh that he would say 'i love you' to a complete stranger just to keep her from leaving the chat room ( i later on found out he only said it so he could keep talking shit to me. sweet boyfriend, eh?).  so i stayed in the chat room. i stayed there and ended up IMing him to talk one on one rather than with his dumbass friends. 

we talked, mainly shit on each other, but we would ask each other questions. i found out where he lived, which coincidentally turned out to be 30 minutes from my grandparents house on the east coast, where i lived until the age of 7. it was cool because i think that helped us talk more, we had more in common because of where i was from and where he lived. and i also learned he was only two years older than i was, which makes sense based on how he was acting. we continued to be dumb teenagers, it was like a little boy pulling a little girl's pigtails. we talked the rest of the night and i could tell he was slightly annoyed with me because i was too young for him and i was immature, but i didn't care. i IMed him again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. i learned things about him, and he learned things about me. i knew he was starting college soon but that didn't phase me. it was nice to have someone to talk to without having to put on a show. i let my guard down around him for some reason, i really liked his company. especially since i hadn't met anyone at that point.

so we talked, for i believe a few weeks before it turned to a full on phone conversation. we would talk late, because that was when my minutes were free. so 9 my time, 12 am his, and we'd talk for about like 2 hours at a time. like i said, i really enjoyed his company. and i started to figure out he enjoyed mine a little bit more than he'd like to; he began to like me. he never said it, he never really had to. what guy sits on the phone all night with a younger girl talking about random things and refusing to get off the phone because he wants to stay with her? i knew he liked me, like a lot. it made me feel good, real fucking good. he was so cute at night. he'd get so sleepy and just mumble words telling me not to get off the phone. this continued for like a month or two total and then it stopped.

to be completely honest i don't remember what caused it. i think he did something that really upset me and i ended it. i know for a fact that i did. i don't know if it was because i was just scared because i was 15 and we had never met or if i just didn't want to talk anymore but we stopped talking. over the next year he would occasionally leave me a comment on myspace and he told me once he really missed me, but i never looked back. i didn't want to put myself in that situation again; i had outgrown it all.

fast forward two and a half years to last june. i was doing an internship at my school while i was premed and a lot of the time i was left bored with nothing to do but go on aim and the internet. so during one of my boring afternoons with absolutely nothing to do, i went on aim. and there he was, like he'd always been. for almost three years i had seen his screen name now and then but i never IMed him. i don't know what came over me last june but i decided to IM him.

at first he didn't remember who i was, but when i told him my name i guess our little past came flooding up. it was kinda like we never took a break from talking, we were able to have a conversation without it being awkward at all. we caught up, i told him i was doing research and was premed. he told me he was in his third year of college and all about his major. he seemed pretty impressed with what i was planning to do with my life, which of course made me feel good. it was a really nice conversation and over the span of the summer we would occasionally talk. he'd tell me about the girl he was kinda talking to, and i'd tell him about the guys in my life. we'd have fun conversations and it was nice to talk again.

i wanna say about september 26 of last year was when it really started up again. i remember it was my first day of school and i had gone to macy*s after looking for a corset for a halloween costume. i snapped a pic of it on my phone just for the hell of it. when i got home i went on aim and he was on so i IMed him. i remember he said, "i actually wanted to talk with you" which made me feel happy. so we talked and talked and i sent him the pic because in all honesty, i wanted to have phone sex with him (i know, i'm really bad). by the end of the night i told him i wasn't going to use aim as much anymore because i had two incredibly hard science classes and i needed to focus on studying this quarter. and then he asked me for my number so we could text :)

for about a week or two we texted back and forth, just being friendly. well, i was being sexual and friendly haha. texting eventually turned into calling every few days, which turned into talking every night for three months. so for three months we talked every night except thanksgiving day. we talked for hours at a time. we texted each other all day. after doing that for so long, you're bound to have feelings. and feelings we did have for one another. i remember him texting me something like, "sigh. i'm starting to like you." and i was definitely starting to like him. but 'i like yous' suddenly didn't feel right. because i knew deep down it was more than like. i remember so perfectly when he told me he loved me. and even though i wasn't sure if i was actually in love, i knew i did love edward. it's hard not to love someone even platonically when you've gotten to know them inside and out.

and so the time came when my mom told me she wanted me to go visit my grandparents, only thirty minutes away from edward. finally, after 3 years, i was going to meet him. he was going to be real to me, and i knew i was going to fall in love with him. we met on december 20, 2008 and let me just tell you, it was everything i imagined it to be. not to sound too corny but it was like love at first sight. we just fit together so well. there was no awkwardness and we held hands as if we were already a couple. we cuddled in the theater and he whispered to me, "you're actually here." it was so freakin' perfect. our first date consisted of watching a movie, eating dinner, and a very passionate make out session in his car. after 3 months of talking, liking, and loving each other, we needed to be passionate. and we were, it was the best first kiss i've ever had. and it was the first time he said 'i love you' in person. i was so in love and i'm actually tearing up right now because it was by far one of the best days of my life.

we decided we wanted to do the whole long distance thing because now that we had met it was too hard to just not try. so for eight and a half months we've been boyfriend and girlfriend and i am truly in love with him and happy with him, minus our recent problems. i know this all sounds fucking nuts. i still can't believe how it worked out. but i can't help but think it was meant to be. i've always been a firm believer in things happen for a reason. what are the chances that i meet someone in a chat room 4 years ago, who lives thirty minutes away from my grandparents, who i am now madly in love with? seriously, this does not happen often. there was a reason i ended up in that chat room, and he is on the east coast. 

please don't judge me on how we met. i know i was stupid in not taking enough precautions because this could have ended very badly. but i made the right choice, it may have been a stupid one, but the right one. my best friend was shitting bricks the day we met because i was 3000 miles away from her and she really wasn't sure if it was going to be a happy ending. only a few of my closest friends know and while they're happy for me they still told me how idiotic it was of me to meet a stranger and get in a car with him. but it turned out good, thank god. i think i woulda been able to tell if edward was a creep. after talking for three months i knew who he was. plus he had real facebook and myspace accounts and i had met two of his friends that night in the chat room as well. i'm happy i met the love of my life and i really believe me and edward are meant to be. that's our story :)

Taking a Break.

i'm guessing you know what that means, me & edward are taking a break now. as sad as it may be i truly believe this is the best thing for us right now. after constantly fighting for weeks and going no where, what is there left to do? i do not want this break, in fact i wish we could have skipped over this. but the truth is, we need some space.

tonight after fighting for the umpteenth time i couldn't help but wonder if a break is all we really need. for a few weeks now i haven't felt truly happy with our relationship and it's starting to really affect me, mainly in the sleeping department. i haven't had a good night's rest in a while now because i always have our problems on my mind. 

actually let me be clear, we really don't have real problems between us per se. we talked the other night and he told me he was no longer confused, that it has nothing to do with me. but what it does have to deal with is his other problems, as in the divorce and what is going to be the aftermath of the divorce. from the looks of it, it's definitely not going to be pretty. so all of the outside problems are just leaking into our relationship and it sucks. no matter what i do, i cannot make him smile. he is so depressed and it breaks my heart that i am not there when he needs me most. he's told me over and over again all he needs is my love and patience. and while i give him love every minute of every day, the patience part is throwing me for a loop. it's so hard to not criticize your relationship when you feel that the reason he's distancing himself from you is your fault. everyday is a constant battle with myself because i think everything is my fault, that i'm the reason why he isn't happy. i know that's not true so i try to be patient for him, for us, but it's hard because he is no longer the same edward. 

everyday it's the same thing; he doesn't want to talk and he doesn't show me any affection anymore. now i know that i can't ask him to be affectionate with me everyday, i totally get that. but the last time he was affectionate was august 20th, our anniversary. for almost three weeks he has not showed me any affection. we haven't had phone sex since the 19th. he's not the same and it hurts because i really can't help but think i'm doing something wrong. i really don't need him to be a lovey dovey with me every single day, but when you're in a long distance relationship a girl is gonna need some attention and love every now and then to make sure there's still a spark. 

so i decided to take matters into my own hands and try and be affectionate with him, hoping that that may be the trigger to get him to show me some lovin'. so i tried a few times a week over the last like two weeks. "i love you a lot you know. i miss you. you're everything i need. i can't wait to kiss you again. i can't wait to make love to you again." i didn't fire those out one after another but those are just some examples of what i would say. nothing worked. i'd get an answer back but nothing even remotely loving. just a simple "i know, i (fill-in-the-blank) you too." and i am so used to him being so cute with me. i'm so used to hearing the love in his voice, and that is something that is no longer there. he actually told me last night that if i want attention less is more; the less i tell him all of that, the more inclined he will be to show me affection. but i tried that first and that didn't work. and it really is dumb that i have to sit around like a puppy waiting for a fucking treat.

so of course i blame myself but i know it's not me, that it's his problems seeping into our relationship. i asked him if he needed a break a week ago and he got so upset because he doesn't want a break. he really wants this to work out. so again i try to be patient. but here's the other thing, he doesn't wanna talk. like, at all. 

"how was your day baby?"

"fine."

"what did you do all day?"

"nothing."

"what are you doing tomorrow?"

"i don't know."

............(5 minute break)

"so what's up?"

"nothing."

(i'll let you guess who is who)

etc., etc. that is seriously our nightly conversations for the past two weeks. how in the world do you have a long distance relationship if one person isn't even willing to converse? it's so hard to have faith and want this when you think it's all your fault. and when i finally got it in my head that it's not my fault, i couldn't help but start to think if i really want to deal with this for the next few months. it's going to take months before he is back to normal. and while i do have patience, my patience will eventually run out. it takes two to make a relationship work. i've told him what i need and what i want. and i've told him i will be patient for him but he can't just distance himself from me. yet he still to continues to act this way. i'm trying my hardest but i'm just not happy. he's not the same. maybe i'm being selfish but i have needs too. i just need some love once in a while. it bothers me i can't do a damn thing about his depression.

so i believe sunday we were talking casually about how when we fight it just adds stress to his life. and i asked if it would be easiest to eliminate it. he said, "well yeah, eliminating stress is always easy. but it's not necessarily the right thing to do." i couldn't agree with him more. so i told him that for like two weeks i've had thoughts of taking a break because it would be easiest but it's not what i really want. that was all it took to fire him up. he was so upset with me. and i told him that after how he's been acting for three weeks, first being confused then all the family problems, that i have the right to feel this way. and he said that he doesn't blame me for feeling this way, he acknowledges the fact that he's been treating me kinda shitty. what he's upset with me about is the fact that i kept this from him for two weeks. maybe i shouldn't have kept it but i didn't know what else to do. i didn't want to tell him because i knew deep down this feeling would pass and i didn't want to worry him.

worry him i did. he felt so confused because i had "lied" to him. but in reality i have been thinking about this for two weeks. i can't sleep because this is all i think about. i haven't even been in the mood to masturbate. do you know how weird it is to not even feel a hint of horniness when you're so used to wanting sex all the time? i can't even turn myself on. and when i try and get him to have phone sex he just doesn't want to. he doesn't even remember the last time he touched himself. so for weeks all of this his been bothering me. and i told him the truth only to have him be upset because i kept it from him. 

well today was the final straw. we had another argument. i'll admit i am at fault for pushing it BUT i was just asking questions. he has been getting really frustrated with me whenever i ask too many questions (which is bullshit and another reason i've been feeling this way). i really understand he is going through a hard time, but i don't think it's fair he just distances himself from me and shows me less love. he can't just stop being who he is with me and expect me to sit there night after night and be okay with everything. it hurts me. anyway, after the argument he said something along the lines of, "and i thought we were gonna have a nice night." and i told him that even if we hadn't argued i still would not have considered tonight a "nice night" because it's like we are no longer on the same page. our conversations feel awkward, and i fucking hate it. so he asked if i had anything on my mine and i told him the truth. 

i told him i don't want a break but maybe it would be beneficial to us, that maybe it's just what we need. we keep saying we wanna work this out but every night we argue, so something isn't working for us. i told him that i am so sick of us hurting one another, i'm so sick of fighting, and that i don't really want a break but it may be exactly what we need. i felt horrible saying all of this because i could hear in his voice how hurt he was, how sad he was. but i don't know what else to do. i am not happy. i love him but i need to love myself as well. and part of loving myself means respecting myself enough to know that i need some sort of a break. we're not breaking up, he is still my boyfriend but we're going to try not talking for a week. i'm really hoping that this will help us both work on our own problems so that in a week we can start fresh and get through this together. i felt so bad when he asked if there was another guy. there has never been another guy, i love edward far too much. 

i'm really hoping he sees this as an opportunity rather than a failing relationship. he agreed in the end that we may just need a breather but i could hear to reluctance in his voice. and what scares me more is that in a week he's going to say he's confused. i know exactly what i want, him. if i didn't want him i would have ended this by now. i know i want him in the end and i really want this to work. i think this is what we need right now. i just don't want him thinking that i don't love him or i don't want to be with him, because i want to be with him more than anything. if i could, i would move over there to show him how much i want to be with him.

i just don't want him to be confused. but i asked for the break so i have to deal with the consequences, and they may not be what i want. we agreed to talk in a week but for the week we are ceasing contact. and if in a week he thinks we need more time to work everything through, i'm going to have to deal with it. i am going to have to understand if in a week he says he needs more time to get his shit together. ideally, i want to be back to normal in a week. but the more i look at it the more i know this isn't something small and it's going to take time. but if in a week he can see that he can't just abandon our relationship i think everything will go smoothly from there on out. i think he knows it's just a breather. he even said he knows we've been fighting too much. and he knows what he does to me isn't fair. hopefully this week will help us both clear our heads and we can both continue to work on this relationship together.

i'm sad but at the same time i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i have been thinking about this and while it sucks that it came to this i truly feel it's what we need. it's going to be weird not talking to him at all for the next week but i have to understand that i asked for this. it really sucks knowing i won't hear his voice until tuesday. i really think i will go nuts at night because i am so used to talking every night. sigh, this is going to be hard.