Epiphany.

he had one this past weekend. he's no longer confused. he knows what he wants, me. his words were music to my ears. he made me feel stronger and gave me more faith.

i am happy, truly happy. we have made it past our speed bump, and it is now up to us to keep going as long as we can. i love edward with every single inch of me. we both can't stop talking about december. something has changed both of us. i feel so much more in love with him lately. i blush when talking about him to C*. i feel like a giddy school girl, giggling at everything he says. he flirts with me, he tells me how much he loves me, how he wants me there with him, how he wants me forever. it feels amazing to be loved and adored.

i don't know what caused this at all. when i asked edward he told me, "be happy. just let it go and be happy. don't worry about what caused it. i want you." he sent me such cute texts the day he told me he wasn't confused anymore.

maybe i'm too in love that i'll let my love blind my logic again. i don't think it will though, i am starting fresh and not dwelling on things anymore. i will go day by day and stop looking into the future. i know edward may not be the one, but only time will tell. as for now, i'm going to love him and he's going to love me.

*an old friend from high school

What happened?

to all my readers & commenters? am i not interesting anymore? maybe not. edward suggests writing fictitious stories about me and him fighting, haha. that just seems too desperate. i did however enjoy the occasional comment here and there. edward calls me an attention whore for that. whatever, i like sharing my biznazz.

by the way, i totally just touched myself 5 minutes ago and had a lovely orgasm. just thought you should know.

;)

Welcome back...class is cancelled today.

School started again. i drove twenty minutes to attend lecture to find out my professor supports the University of California (UC) walk-out. so after twenty minutes of her telling us the problem, she walked out.

right now, the UC system is one of the best university systems in the US. in 1980, the state of california alloted 17% of it's budget to go to higher education. as of 2008, the percentage has fallen to a measly 7%. so what does this mean? well, for one it means that faculty has cuts in salary and furloughs, and two, staff is being downsized. so where does that put me and the other hundred thousand kids that go to UC's?

tuition spikes. like major. since i've started at this university my tuition has gone up about 1000 bucks. i thank god my parents don't make enough money because this year the state of sunny california has given me a shit load of cash. it not only covers my tuition but i also get a nice fat check at the end of every quarter for anything i need. pretty nice, huh?

but what about those kids that can't afford it? by fall of 2010, tuition will have gone up about $2400. not everyone can afford that. about 40% of all students at my school are the first in their families to go to college. my school happens to be one of the more affordable UC's in comparison to some of the bigger ones. the UC system was built on the foundation that it would be affordable higher education. affordable my ass. i really doubt that many kids will be going to any UC's next year. community colleges are wayyy cheaper.

plus, because my school is shit broke they are accepting more students to make up for their loss in budget. which means more crowded classes and less chance of getting into a class you actually need. i'm glad i'm a third year and my priority has gone up. i know i have nothing to bitch about, but i really feel bad for everyone that is affected by this huge fiscal crisis. stupid california.

deviating from the fiscal crisis, my classes are nice so far. maybe when i learn something super interesting i'll post on it. i'm taking women's studies, political theory, and psychology. i'm sure i'll have interesting things to post on, especially from my women's studies class.

ps. edward and i are great. we have issues but what couple doesn't?

Thinking.

all week things were perfect. all week he did everything i asked him to do. the one day he's depressed and needs me i failed him. why am i so stupid? why did i let it bother me so much that he was depressed? i promised him patience and he promised me he'd try. he fulfilled his end of the bargain, why couldn't i? maybe it's because i can't be patient. or maybe, it's because it fell on our anniversary.

i truly am an idiot. i wanted the 20th to be all about me rather than us. how unfair is that? i went into that day with such high expectations thinking he was going to be incredibly romantic and charming. as soon as i realized he was depressed i got frustrated; why of all fucking days did his depression land on our anniversary? after a month of fighting and then promising each other we would start fresh i thought our anniversary would be the perfect day to really start fresh. to show our love for one another, to let everything go from the past. me, me, me was all i thought this past sunday. i was so disappointed when he told me that he was depressed all day. why that day? that day was supposed to be a happy and loving day. and because i am a selfish bitch, i ruined our anniversary with tears of frustration rather than supporting him the one day he needed me.

this lead to another almost-breakup. i cried sunday night asking him why he was confused, why he didn't know if we could make it, why he wasn't sure if he didn't wanted me forever anymore. everything has confused me. all day yesterday we talked on and off about things. he told me he doesn't think i am capable of being patient; i keep promising and i keep failing. i had to remind him that for one month i wasn't because he wasn't trying for me. i fucked up one day, and for that he doesn't know if i can be patient. minus my fuck up, i think i've been pretty damn patient. my mother tells me all the time what a strong and patient woman i am to tolerate the bullshit he puts me through.

i am still here even though he doesn't know if we can last three years.

i am still here even though he doesn't know if he even wants to be with me forever.

i am still here even though he makes me cry because he is confused.

i am still here even though he tells me contradictory statements.

i am still here even though he thinks negatively and thinks a breakup is inevitable.

i am still here even though it sometimes hurts me to be here.

i cry more now than i have ever cried before. it amazes me how much i cry, how weak i can be. how i swore to myself i'd never let a boy put me through pain but i do. because i fucking love this boy. i love him regardless of everything because he did make me so happy at one point and because i think that in time everything will go back to how things are. am i foolish to think so? please someone tell me if i'm wasting my time. we both agreed to keep trying, but is it worth it?

after talking with my mom last night and this morning i've come to a few conclusions:

• i am going to stop believing edward is the one; if he is, great, if not, well someone else will be.
• i am going to stop looking into the future and just live my life right now with him. as much as i want to marry him one day, i need to stop thinking it's actually going to happen. i'm not saying it won't, but i'm not saying it will. it's too far away. i'd be a fool to continue thinking we're meant to be together so early on in our relationship. he filled my head with these thoughts and as much as i still want it all to happen, i don't know if it actually will. i don't know if we'll be together tomorrow, let alone next month.
• i am going to stop analyzing his words and just let it go.
• i am going to stop asking him questions about our future.
• i am going to stop obsessing over the fact that he doesn't know if we'll make it three years. my mom is so right, i have no idea what is going to happen. and while i want us to make it three years who knows if we will. we, I, need to stop thinking about the future and just enjoy being together now.
• i am never going to stop loving him.

that last one scares me. i love him so much, and i know i always will. it just may be platonic one day. i hate that i am so in love that i let it blind logic. we really do not know what is going to happen. we just need to try to make it work as long as we can. it sucks to realize all this when my heart doesn't want to. i know deep down i want to be with edward forever, but it's not logical to think it's definitely going to happen. there's a possibility we will make it through this and last. but there's also a greater possibility we won't. i hate thinking that way but it's the truth. i'm not going to think negatively everyday or think that we're going to break up as he does. i'm going to continue to try and whatever happens, happens. i'm still going to put all of my heart into this relationship, but i'm going to stop letting my heart control the way i think. my emotions have taken control over my logic. i went from being the girl who knew not to let love blind me to the girl who let love blind her.

believe me, i am going to love edward until it doesn't work anymore but i refuse to think about our future anymore. at least not the way i have. of course i will still think of living together in three years but that's as far into the future that i want to think. i don't want to think about marriage and babies and us forever. because if this does end, as he believes it will, it will just hurt that much more. even though i am going to just try and love and stop looking into things, am i wasting my time though? am i wasting my time with a guy who is self-loathing and thinks that we are going to breakup? he truly thinks we are going to break up. he also thinks we're the right people, it's just the wrong time. he thinks that he doesn't know if he's going to want a long term relationship in the future. he is confused on so many fucking levels.

i love him with all my heart but i know my patience is running thin. and to be honest, it isn't going to be long before i bid adieu. i am going to try one more time. this is the last time. i am going to try for him and us and i am hoping that seeing me in december will make him see things more clearly. if december comes and he still thinks we're going to break up soon, i don't think my heart will be able to handle it anymore and i am going to have to end it. i don't want to, and it hurts more than anything to think about a possible break up. i know we may make it two more years then break up for some other reason. but if he can look me in the eyes in december and tell me that he thinks we will break up, i don't want to wait for it to happen. i'm giving him three months to think and figure out what he wants. as much as he tells me he wants to be with me, i think he's confused. he's never allowed himself to love someone as much as he loves me and i know it scares him and confuses him.

i'm really hoping that seeing me will change things. i don't know if it's worth it to stay in a relationship if one half of the couple doesn't even see it ever working out. i am being logical, i know things may not work out. but i don't sit there and think to myself, 'we're not going to make it.' he really thinks we're going to break up. but he also thinks that in time we'll be back together. he confuses me more than anything and it hurts me to know he is confused about us.

*i updated a few things because i realized that i didn't like my wording on this. i think i figured out a lot just from rereading my post. i may post on that later. for now, me and edward are going to try. he keeps saying things have a way of working out, i hope he's right.

Perfect.

i haven't posted anything in three days because for three days, everything has been absolutely perfect. i can't even begin to explain how things have been going between me and edward. it's like a light switch went on. he's been this loving and funny boyfriend for four days now. every night we talk we have a good time. last night was by far the best; we were flirting, messing around, being dumb, and calling each other names. and even though he was too exhausted to have phone sex, he didn't shoot down my advances in the usual way. he laughed and i could tell that if i was there we would have been all over each other but he politely told me he was too tired and wasn't up for it tonight. whenever i made dirty comments he'd laugh and i could tell it was genuine, which is all i can ask for.

all in all, we've had a great week so far. no arguing at all. we did talk the other days about how i'm more insecure lately because of everything that happened and how i need to stop living in fear. but i sorta had an epiphany wednesday night, which makes me think everything will get better for me. i appreciate edward trying more than anything. he's put aside his depression and wants us to work out. he still doesn't have too much faith but i really think in time all of that will change.

i know that when the divorce happens, it's gonna get bad again. i have faith it won't affect us as bad this time. i'm prepared and i know we're going to do everything we can to make it work. and since i'll be there in december i'll be able to comfort him more so than i do now. things are definitely turning up for us :)

Quickie but a fucking goodie.

one, i am on a fucking ROLL updating this shit. that's because my life has been a big ol' mess lately. i have to say, i think things are actually turning up for real. i know last post i was ranting about how me and edward have problems but i need to stop looking at it that way and just live my life with him. we both have to make an effort and if we can it will all work out. i really need to stop being so fucking insecure about my relationship. we hit a huge speed bump, but will make it through it.

two, i finally got some nooky over the phone. it was sucha shock today when i was telling him about my plans for tomorrow when he goes, "i have no pants on." i really didn't think he wanted anything because he's never in the mood, like ever. but then again, he usually pretends to not care about what i'm saying then says something like 'i'm naked' when he's horny. i was kinda torn but i just said that's nice and continued on with my plans.

he then asked what i was wearing. incredulous, i told him my pajamas (seriously, the boy never catches me naked or in hot lingerie or anything sexy. it's always fucking pajamas & sweats). he quickly told me to strip outta them. you can imagine what came next. tons of low pants, (my dad would be home) moans, and dirty dirty words.

i truly love hearing the following:

"i wanna fuck your ass so hard."

"i wanna cum inside your ass."

"i wanna fuck your pussy then fuck your mouth."

"i wanna cum all over your face."

"i wanna lick your pussy so bad."

"i can't wait to fuck you."

all of those turn me on. and he said 5/6 today. i was dying; it was so hot. even though it was a quickie it was great, and so unexpected. i never would have thought i'd be having phone sex anytime soon. i thought maybe next weekend because it's our anniversary but today was awesome. especially since i got some ass action ;) of course all of that was followed by us cumming in unison. how fucking perfect is that?

Time will tell all.

so me and edward talked last night. it wasn't the best of nights. somehow talking about his problems always turns to our problems.

earlier yesterday morning we had a little argument. it wasn't really an argument though. every morning, no matter how much we have fought the night before, no matter how tired he is from lack of sleep, no matter how late he is for work or school, he sends me the following text message: "E>." since we have taken our 'break' he has forgotten three times. and i know it may seem really insignificant to others but i'm used to getting a robot heart, as i like to call it, every day. it's our little thing. he has sent that to me everyday and i always respond back with a "<3."

on top of that, all week he has been lagging in texting me back. usually he texts back within like a minute or two, ten at the most. but all week, hours will go by before i get a text. finally, (seriously can i complain anymore?) he didn't text me to let me know he was going to his friend's house. not that i care if he goes out but we both know to text the other one just to give a heads up. especially since he was going to his friends that live about an hour away, i figured common courtesy would be to just text me letting me know. so i was kinda confused when all three things he's done all week happened within like thirty minutes in one shot.

i text him asking what's up and if there was anything he's keeping from me. this is so outta character for him. i've been with him eight plus months and not once has he ever done this. so i was really confused. and i text him and he's taking forever and when he finally replies it's 'i'm sorry.' that should have been good enough for me but i like explanations. he finally told me after several 'i'm sorry' texts that he feels like shit for what he does to me and it's not fair to me and he's depressed because of everything in his life and even more depressed that he lets this affect the ones he loves, including me. we decided to talk last night rather than tonight since i work really really late.

we finally talked after i had gotten off work and i could hear his depression. it's so sad. at first we talked about that and i asked him why does he let it bother him so badly? i understand it's hard, fuck i'd be depressed too. but i would try to not me miserable. i've been depressed before and i know it sucks more than anything, but i still carried on throughout my day. i still talked with edward every night and tried not to let it leak in our relationship. so we talked about that for a bit and then like i said earlier, things slowly turned into our problems.

"so what did so&so say today after she saw how upset you were?"

"she thinks it's not worth it."

"do you? i think it is, i think we can make this work."

"i do. otherwise i'd be off the phone."

"does she know about all the other problems in your life right now?"

"yeah."

"does she know that those problems are a huge part of why your depressed? or does she thinks it's all me?"

"i know she thinks it's all you."

it's so sad that edward's friends blame me for his depression. what's even sadder is that he doesn't tell them anything (he's not very open) but they just assume i am the reason. i may be part of it though, well our fighting the past few weeks. he told me he slept better this week and he hasn't slept good in months. it sucks thinking i'm the reason he can't sleep. for months. but i figured out that in july it was due to him having no job and then after because we were fighting so much and now because we're fighting and the divorce. i'll admit, i slept way better this week. as much as i missed him the time not talking helped me think a lot about what i can do.

i'm going to try to be as patient as i can. i don't know how long i can be patient and it would be stupid of me to think i can be forever. but i love edward more than anything, and i think i owe him and our relationship a little patience. but it's not just me, and i told him that. i told him exactly what i need and what i want. i need him to love me, and he can't just change who he is with me. we both agreed to try and i'm hoping we can let go of everything and just work this out together.

we'll see how everything goes. we talked earlier and he is really tired from no sleep (hmm wonder why) so he didn't really wanna talk. he's going out with his best friend for lunch and i know his bf is going to assume that he's depressed because of me. it really bothers me that everyone thinks i'm this big bad bitch to edward. i love him more than they know. and i am trying to work everything out. but four people in his life all think i'm causing him so much stress and depression. they don't even know the fucking half of everything going on in his life. they don't know the details like i do, about the divorce that is. so they base everything off of how he is and assume we fought. i think it's bullshit. and i wish he'd just defend me. i wish he'd tell them, 'you know, it's not her. i have a lot going on right now and she's doing the best she can to make me happy.' i wish he would say that! i'm sick of feeling like i'm causing this because the more i think i cause his problems the shittier i feel and the more i just wanna end this to make him happier. but i know that it's not me, that his friends think that, not him.

we'll see in time. i hate that the one thing i thought was so fucking stable in my life isn't anymore. i hate that i finally get over my jealousy but now his depression is affecting us. i hate that i can't do anything. i hate that when i tell him i'm coming in december for two weeks he says, 'yeah but it's not enough.' i hate that i love him so much that i am willing to put myself through this. any sane normal girl would stop trying when they knew that nothing they do will make anything better, but i keep trying. i have so much faith in us. i know he's going through a hard time. and i try to justify it by saying, 'well if we were married i wouldn't leave him because he's depressed. i need to be supportive and patient.'

i'm so set on being with him forever that i think if we broke up it wouldn't last. it would end a book, but not necessarily the story. we both agree on one thing: we can't be without each other. it's a good feeling to know that despite the fights from the past few weeks, despite his depression, we love each other more than anything. i think if you guys heard the love when we speak to each other you'd know it's gonna work. it's just up to us to make it happen.

No Sugarcoating.

yesterday i was in an incredibly loving mood and was realllllyyyy missing my edward. i hadn't talked to him since monday night and i wanted to show him how much i truly do love him. in an effort to that, i copied and pasted my blog from yesterday in an email to him. i sent him a text telling him to check his email because i had sent him something that i had put a lot of though into.

after i had sent it i checked the sent email to see if it linked back to my blog. it did. i copied the entire post, including the title. one click on the title and you were directed to Racy Rendezvous. oh fuck is what i though. i sent him another text right away saying please don't click on the green title, it takes you to my blog. he knows i have one, so i wasn't worried about him finding out. what worried me was him reading my previous posts regarding our relationship and how i felt.

so i waited and waited and he never text me back. finally, about 40 minutes later he sent me this text: "it was cute. but the other ones made me cry." fuck fuck fuck! i asked him how many he read and to that he replied, "enough." an impulse shot right through me and before i could stop myself i was already calling him.

we talked for maybe thirty minutes yesterday about my blog. at first he didn't tell me which ones he had read, actually he said he didn't remember them. eventually he let it slip that he had read "uncertainty," "taking a break," the one about my father, and some more. i'm not mad at him though. when i began this blog i had told him all about it and he could read it if he liked, i'm really honest with him. he is the only person i know in real life that is aware of my blog. and i don't feel bad about what i wrote, it's my personal opinion. i do however feel bad that he read it. he said it was so different seeing it in print because he knows i'm not sugarcoating it like i do when we talk. and he's right, to avoid fighting i sugarcoat things sometimes. a lot of what i wrote in those two main posts about him i am definitely not sugarcoating.

and by me not doing that, he's getting knocked the fuck out with my words. it's all honest and while it may be blunt, it's all the truth. he read my honesty and finally sees how it has affected me over the past three weeks. he sees now that he has hurt me and for that he feels really bad. i feel bad that he saw it. i try and be as honest as i can with edward, but i'm usually not that blunt with him to spare his feelings. believe me, i never wanted him to read all of that stuff because i didn't want him feeling bad. he feels bad enough when we fight over the phone or if he makes me cry. i have the most caring man ever, he seriously feels low whenever we fight. which i wish he didn't but i know he does care about my feelings. so after fighting for weeks i didn't wanna add insult to injury. so he read it all and now feels even lower because he sees what it all comes off as in my eyes. it's like looking through my head and seeing exactly how i have perceived everything.

i could hear how sad he was yesterday. and hurt, but not because i'm lying or making it worse than it appears, but because he didn't realize how much all of this affected me. which in turn makes me feel bad that he read everything. i tried telling him how i do defend him and i do make an effort to point out that he is going through a really hard time. he knows i do but he still feels bad, and i know it's now going to be in the back of his mind for a while. he told me yesterday he would do anything to make me happy, and to see how he hasn't in a while hurts him more than anything. i know we have our issues but when it comes down to it, i don't know many men that would still try after problems have come up, especially when it's a long distance relationship. i know i may complain and i kinda can't help that, i'm human and woman, but i have to say he is one of the most caring and loving men i have ever met. words can't do justice to show how much i really love him. he's my everything and i am his.

all in all, i think it may have been a good thing he read it all. he agreed with me and said that he can't do this to me. he told me i am being the perfect amount of patient and he couldn't ask or expect anymore from me. he also acknowledges the fact that i do have needs and he's going to try his best to attend to my needs. i still feel bad that he saw it but he tells me not to. he wants me to stop sugarcoating my words over the phone. that's gonna take some work but i can try for him.

as far as talking goes we're not going to talk until sunday night. it's not what i want at all but he is stubborn and won't budge. he did tell me though that he is constantly thinking of calling me and has had to stop himself many times. that makes me feel better, knowing i'm always on his mind :) and sunday night we are starting fresh. we both agreed we are going to try to live in the present and not look back at our problems the past few weeks. we're going to try our best to let everything go and not hold anything against one another. i really feel this is going to work out. i know he's crazy about me, i could hear every single ounce of love in his voice yesterday. it's amazing how much love we have for one another.

How I met Edward.

someone asked me why edward lives so far away, and how long has it been like this. i think it's time i explain all of it. i'm not gonna lie, it's kinda crazy.

a little over four years ago i moved to sunny california. i was 15 and i had been going through my phase of online chats prior to me moving. me and my best friend over on the east coast would spend hours in chats online, we really loved the attention. we were never stupid about it, we never would meet anyone. we did however talk to guys but never ever gave away information. we'd make up fake names and send fake pictures and pretended to be about 5-6 years older than we really were. and guys believed us, which was the best part about it. 

like i said, when i moved i was still going through that phase. now that i look back at it i can't believe how lame i was and how i spent way too much time on the internet. four years ago i was in an aim chat one day just being the loud-mouthed teenager i am and some boys were giving me a run for my money. they cursed me out and said all these things to me but i kept saying shit back, because i really thought i was all that. i can honestly tell you i remember so much of that day, because i ended up meeting the love of my life four years too soon. 

i was getting kinda fed up because they would not shut the fuck up for shit and i thought to myself, 'why the fuck am i in here? i don't know these dumb boys, aol has real guys.' i told them i was gonna bounce, and they could all go fuck themselves (yes i really thought i was hot shit). and i remember it so perfectly, he said, "no don't go! i love you." i know it sounds cheesy and i even thought it was cheesy too, but it just made me laugh that he would say 'i love you' to a complete stranger just to keep her from leaving the chat room ( i later on found out he only said it so he could keep talking shit to me. sweet boyfriend, eh?).  so i stayed in the chat room. i stayed there and ended up IMing him to talk one on one rather than with his dumbass friends. 

we talked, mainly shit on each other, but we would ask each other questions. i found out where he lived, which coincidentally turned out to be 30 minutes from my grandparents house on the east coast, where i lived until the age of 7. it was cool because i think that helped us talk more, we had more in common because of where i was from and where he lived. and i also learned he was only two years older than i was, which makes sense based on how he was acting. we continued to be dumb teenagers, it was like a little boy pulling a little girl's pigtails. we talked the rest of the night and i could tell he was slightly annoyed with me because i was too young for him and i was immature, but i didn't care. i IMed him again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. i learned things about him, and he learned things about me. i knew he was starting college soon but that didn't phase me. it was nice to have someone to talk to without having to put on a show. i let my guard down around him for some reason, i really liked his company. especially since i hadn't met anyone at that point.

so we talked, for i believe a few weeks before it turned to a full on phone conversation. we would talk late, because that was when my minutes were free. so 9 my time, 12 am his, and we'd talk for about like 2 hours at a time. like i said, i really enjoyed his company. and i started to figure out he enjoyed mine a little bit more than he'd like to; he began to like me. he never said it, he never really had to. what guy sits on the phone all night with a younger girl talking about random things and refusing to get off the phone because he wants to stay with her? i knew he liked me, like a lot. it made me feel good, real fucking good. he was so cute at night. he'd get so sleepy and just mumble words telling me not to get off the phone. this continued for like a month or two total and then it stopped.

to be completely honest i don't remember what caused it. i think he did something that really upset me and i ended it. i know for a fact that i did. i don't know if it was because i was just scared because i was 15 and we had never met or if i just didn't want to talk anymore but we stopped talking. over the next year he would occasionally leave me a comment on myspace and he told me once he really missed me, but i never looked back. i didn't want to put myself in that situation again; i had outgrown it all.

fast forward two and a half years to last june. i was doing an internship at my school while i was premed and a lot of the time i was left bored with nothing to do but go on aim and the internet. so during one of my boring afternoons with absolutely nothing to do, i went on aim. and there he was, like he'd always been. for almost three years i had seen his screen name now and then but i never IMed him. i don't know what came over me last june but i decided to IM him.

at first he didn't remember who i was, but when i told him my name i guess our little past came flooding up. it was kinda like we never took a break from talking, we were able to have a conversation without it being awkward at all. we caught up, i told him i was doing research and was premed. he told me he was in his third year of college and all about his major. he seemed pretty impressed with what i was planning to do with my life, which of course made me feel good. it was a really nice conversation and over the span of the summer we would occasionally talk. he'd tell me about the girl he was kinda talking to, and i'd tell him about the guys in my life. we'd have fun conversations and it was nice to talk again.

i wanna say about september 26 of last year was when it really started up again. i remember it was my first day of school and i had gone to macy*s after looking for a corset for a halloween costume. i snapped a pic of it on my phone just for the hell of it. when i got home i went on aim and he was on so i IMed him. i remember he said, "i actually wanted to talk with you" which made me feel happy. so we talked and talked and i sent him the pic because in all honesty, i wanted to have phone sex with him (i know, i'm really bad). by the end of the night i told him i wasn't going to use aim as much anymore because i had two incredibly hard science classes and i needed to focus on studying this quarter. and then he asked me for my number so we could text :)

for about a week or two we texted back and forth, just being friendly. well, i was being sexual and friendly haha. texting eventually turned into calling every few days, which turned into talking every night for three months. so for three months we talked every night except thanksgiving day. we talked for hours at a time. we texted each other all day. after doing that for so long, you're bound to have feelings. and feelings we did have for one another. i remember him texting me something like, "sigh. i'm starting to like you." and i was definitely starting to like him. but 'i like yous' suddenly didn't feel right. because i knew deep down it was more than like. i remember so perfectly when he told me he loved me. and even though i wasn't sure if i was actually in love, i knew i did love edward. it's hard not to love someone even platonically when you've gotten to know them inside and out.

and so the time came when my mom told me she wanted me to go visit my grandparents, only thirty minutes away from edward. finally, after 3 years, i was going to meet him. he was going to be real to me, and i knew i was going to fall in love with him. we met on december 20, 2008 and let me just tell you, it was everything i imagined it to be. not to sound too corny but it was like love at first sight. we just fit together so well. there was no awkwardness and we held hands as if we were already a couple. we cuddled in the theater and he whispered to me, "you're actually here." it was so freakin' perfect. our first date consisted of watching a movie, eating dinner, and a very passionate make out session in his car. after 3 months of talking, liking, and loving each other, we needed to be passionate. and we were, it was the best first kiss i've ever had. and it was the first time he said 'i love you' in person. i was so in love and i'm actually tearing up right now because it was by far one of the best days of my life.

we decided we wanted to do the whole long distance thing because now that we had met it was too hard to just not try. so for eight and a half months we've been boyfriend and girlfriend and i am truly in love with him and happy with him, minus our recent problems. i know this all sounds fucking nuts. i still can't believe how it worked out. but i can't help but think it was meant to be. i've always been a firm believer in things happen for a reason. what are the chances that i meet someone in a chat room 4 years ago, who lives thirty minutes away from my grandparents, who i am now madly in love with? seriously, this does not happen often. there was a reason i ended up in that chat room, and he is on the east coast. 

please don't judge me on how we met. i know i was stupid in not taking enough precautions because this could have ended very badly. but i made the right choice, it may have been a stupid one, but the right one. my best friend was shitting bricks the day we met because i was 3000 miles away from her and she really wasn't sure if it was going to be a happy ending. only a few of my closest friends know and while they're happy for me they still told me how idiotic it was of me to meet a stranger and get in a car with him. but it turned out good, thank god. i think i woulda been able to tell if edward was a creep. after talking for three months i knew who he was. plus he had real facebook and myspace accounts and i had met two of his friends that night in the chat room as well. i'm happy i met the love of my life and i really believe me and edward are meant to be. that's our story :)

Taking a Break.

i'm guessing you know what that means, me & edward are taking a break now. as sad as it may be i truly believe this is the best thing for us right now. after constantly fighting for weeks and going no where, what is there left to do? i do not want this break, in fact i wish we could have skipped over this. but the truth is, we need some space.

tonight after fighting for the umpteenth time i couldn't help but wonder if a break is all we really need. for a few weeks now i haven't felt truly happy with our relationship and it's starting to really affect me, mainly in the sleeping department. i haven't had a good night's rest in a while now because i always have our problems on my mind. 

actually let me be clear, we really don't have real problems between us per se. we talked the other night and he told me he was no longer confused, that it has nothing to do with me. but what it does have to deal with is his other problems, as in the divorce and what is going to be the aftermath of the divorce. from the looks of it, it's definitely not going to be pretty. so all of the outside problems are just leaking into our relationship and it sucks. no matter what i do, i cannot make him smile. he is so depressed and it breaks my heart that i am not there when he needs me most. he's told me over and over again all he needs is my love and patience. and while i give him love every minute of every day, the patience part is throwing me for a loop. it's so hard to not criticize your relationship when you feel that the reason he's distancing himself from you is your fault. everyday is a constant battle with myself because i think everything is my fault, that i'm the reason why he isn't happy. i know that's not true so i try to be patient for him, for us, but it's hard because he is no longer the same edward. 

everyday it's the same thing; he doesn't want to talk and he doesn't show me any affection anymore. now i know that i can't ask him to be affectionate with me everyday, i totally get that. but the last time he was affectionate was august 20th, our anniversary. for almost three weeks he has not showed me any affection. we haven't had phone sex since the 19th. he's not the same and it hurts because i really can't help but think i'm doing something wrong. i really don't need him to be a lovey dovey with me every single day, but when you're in a long distance relationship a girl is gonna need some attention and love every now and then to make sure there's still a spark. 

so i decided to take matters into my own hands and try and be affectionate with him, hoping that that may be the trigger to get him to show me some lovin'. so i tried a few times a week over the last like two weeks. "i love you a lot you know. i miss you. you're everything i need. i can't wait to kiss you again. i can't wait to make love to you again." i didn't fire those out one after another but those are just some examples of what i would say. nothing worked. i'd get an answer back but nothing even remotely loving. just a simple "i know, i (fill-in-the-blank) you too." and i am so used to him being so cute with me. i'm so used to hearing the love in his voice, and that is something that is no longer there. he actually told me last night that if i want attention less is more; the less i tell him all of that, the more inclined he will be to show me affection. but i tried that first and that didn't work. and it really is dumb that i have to sit around like a puppy waiting for a fucking treat.

so of course i blame myself but i know it's not me, that it's his problems seeping into our relationship. i asked him if he needed a break a week ago and he got so upset because he doesn't want a break. he really wants this to work out. so again i try to be patient. but here's the other thing, he doesn't wanna talk. like, at all. 

"how was your day baby?"

"fine."

"what did you do all day?"

"nothing."

"what are you doing tomorrow?"

"i don't know."

............(5 minute break)

"so what's up?"

"nothing."

(i'll let you guess who is who)

etc., etc. that is seriously our nightly conversations for the past two weeks. how in the world do you have a long distance relationship if one person isn't even willing to converse? it's so hard to have faith and want this when you think it's all your fault. and when i finally got it in my head that it's not my fault, i couldn't help but start to think if i really want to deal with this for the next few months. it's going to take months before he is back to normal. and while i do have patience, my patience will eventually run out. it takes two to make a relationship work. i've told him what i need and what i want. and i've told him i will be patient for him but he can't just distance himself from me. yet he still to continues to act this way. i'm trying my hardest but i'm just not happy. he's not the same. maybe i'm being selfish but i have needs too. i just need some love once in a while. it bothers me i can't do a damn thing about his depression.

so i believe sunday we were talking casually about how when we fight it just adds stress to his life. and i asked if it would be easiest to eliminate it. he said, "well yeah, eliminating stress is always easy. but it's not necessarily the right thing to do." i couldn't agree with him more. so i told him that for like two weeks i've had thoughts of taking a break because it would be easiest but it's not what i really want. that was all it took to fire him up. he was so upset with me. and i told him that after how he's been acting for three weeks, first being confused then all the family problems, that i have the right to feel this way. and he said that he doesn't blame me for feeling this way, he acknowledges the fact that he's been treating me kinda shitty. what he's upset with me about is the fact that i kept this from him for two weeks. maybe i shouldn't have kept it but i didn't know what else to do. i didn't want to tell him because i knew deep down this feeling would pass and i didn't want to worry him.

worry him i did. he felt so confused because i had "lied" to him. but in reality i have been thinking about this for two weeks. i can't sleep because this is all i think about. i haven't even been in the mood to masturbate. do you know how weird it is to not even feel a hint of horniness when you're so used to wanting sex all the time? i can't even turn myself on. and when i try and get him to have phone sex he just doesn't want to. he doesn't even remember the last time he touched himself. so for weeks all of this his been bothering me. and i told him the truth only to have him be upset because i kept it from him. 

well today was the final straw. we had another argument. i'll admit i am at fault for pushing it BUT i was just asking questions. he has been getting really frustrated with me whenever i ask too many questions (which is bullshit and another reason i've been feeling this way). i really understand he is going through a hard time, but i don't think it's fair he just distances himself from me and shows me less love. he can't just stop being who he is with me and expect me to sit there night after night and be okay with everything. it hurts me. anyway, after the argument he said something along the lines of, "and i thought we were gonna have a nice night." and i told him that even if we hadn't argued i still would not have considered tonight a "nice night" because it's like we are no longer on the same page. our conversations feel awkward, and i fucking hate it. so he asked if i had anything on my mine and i told him the truth. 

i told him i don't want a break but maybe it would be beneficial to us, that maybe it's just what we need. we keep saying we wanna work this out but every night we argue, so something isn't working for us. i told him that i am so sick of us hurting one another, i'm so sick of fighting, and that i don't really want a break but it may be exactly what we need. i felt horrible saying all of this because i could hear in his voice how hurt he was, how sad he was. but i don't know what else to do. i am not happy. i love him but i need to love myself as well. and part of loving myself means respecting myself enough to know that i need some sort of a break. we're not breaking up, he is still my boyfriend but we're going to try not talking for a week. i'm really hoping that this will help us both work on our own problems so that in a week we can start fresh and get through this together. i felt so bad when he asked if there was another guy. there has never been another guy, i love edward far too much. 

i'm really hoping he sees this as an opportunity rather than a failing relationship. he agreed in the end that we may just need a breather but i could hear to reluctance in his voice. and what scares me more is that in a week he's going to say he's confused. i know exactly what i want, him. if i didn't want him i would have ended this by now. i know i want him in the end and i really want this to work. i think this is what we need right now. i just don't want him thinking that i don't love him or i don't want to be with him, because i want to be with him more than anything. if i could, i would move over there to show him how much i want to be with him.

i just don't want him to be confused. but i asked for the break so i have to deal with the consequences, and they may not be what i want. we agreed to talk in a week but for the week we are ceasing contact. and if in a week he thinks we need more time to work everything through, i'm going to have to deal with it. i am going to have to understand if in a week he says he needs more time to get his shit together. ideally, i want to be back to normal in a week. but the more i look at it the more i know this isn't something small and it's going to take time. but if in a week he can see that he can't just abandon our relationship i think everything will go smoothly from there on out. i think he knows it's just a breather. he even said he knows we've been fighting too much. and he knows what he does to me isn't fair. hopefully this week will help us both clear our heads and we can both continue to work on this relationship together.

i'm sad but at the same time i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i have been thinking about this and while it sucks that it came to this i truly feel it's what we need. it's going to be weird not talking to him at all for the next week but i have to understand that i asked for this. it really sucks knowing i won't hear his voice until tuesday. i really think i will go nuts at night because i am so used to talking every night. sigh, this is going to be hard.

Naked.

sorry i haven't posted for a few days but things are much better with me & edward. he's going through a lot right now and all he needs is my love and patience. i have to say, things look really good for us :)

i just got out of the shower and i'm sitting here completely naked so i think now is a good time to talk about how much i truly love to lounge around in the nude. when i look at other women's bodies i can feel pretty self conscious; i'm not skinny and tall and i sure as fuck do not have the perfect body. but when i'm home and i look at myself in the mirror i get this kinda rush, and i kinda fall in love with my body each time. because while i may not have a body like kim kardashian, it's real and it's mine. i had so many issues with my body as i grew up and for the first time in all of my life i'm content with it. especially when i'm naked. i think edward has a huge role in all of this, he absolutely loves my curvy body. and knowing he does just makes me appreciate it that much more.

but anyways, like i said, i love to lay around naked. when no one is home in my house i walk around naked for hours at a time. it's so liberating and makes me feel good. and i really can't help but just like look at every inch of my flesh when i'm naked. i will get up multiple times and just look at my body; my tits, my huge ass, my curves, my hips, everything. i feel so comfortable naked and i get turned on just sitting in my bed naked.

i think it's a psychosexual thing relating to birth; we were born in the buff and when we're babies we're so free. babies walk around naked a lot because it's comfortable. and while people don't always admit it, babies tend to touch themselves when they are naked because they feel pleasure and they are curious. they may not get what pleasure is but they know how it feels. i think it's the same thing for adults who enjoy being naked. we're in our full on birthday suit, the way we were created, and it can be this huge rush to see your body how it was made. and when you're naked, you can't help but want to touch yourself, or at least think about touching yourself, just like a baby touches himself when he's naked.

deviating from psychology and babies, lounging naked is amazing. i'm still in the buff, and i'm turned on. i snap pictures for edward whenever i lounge naked, just so he gets a look at what he gets to fuck when he sees me next. i'm so comfortable right now that i really don't want to get dressed for work, haha. i just love how soft my body feels, how curvy it is, and how it's my imperfectly perfect body. i get so turned on looking at it, and i usually end up just touching myself because i'm that turned on. 

i really think everyone should try it. the next time you're alone just walk around naked in your house. look at yourself in the mirror, admire what you have. it may just turn you on ;)