earlier yesterday morning we had a little argument. it wasn't really an argument though. every morning, no matter how much we have fought the night before, no matter how tired he is from lack of sleep, no matter how late he is for work or school, he sends me the following text message: "E>." since we have taken our 'break' he has forgotten three times. and i know it may seem really insignificant to others but i'm used to getting a robot heart, as i like to call it, every day. it's our little thing. he has sent that to me everyday and i always respond back with a "<3."
on top of that, all week he has been lagging in texting me back. usually he texts back within like a minute or two, ten at the most. but all week, hours will go by before i get a text. finally, (seriously can i complain anymore?) he didn't text me to let me know he was going to his friend's house. not that i care if he goes out but we both know to text the other one just to give a heads up. especially since he was going to his friends that live about an hour away, i figured common courtesy would be to just text me letting me know. so i was kinda confused when all three things he's done all week happened within like thirty minutes in one shot.
i text him asking what's up and if there was anything he's keeping from me. this is so outta character for him. i've been with him eight plus months and not once has he ever done this. so i was really confused. and i text him and he's taking forever and when he finally replies it's 'i'm sorry.' that should have been good enough for me but i like explanations. he finally told me after several 'i'm sorry' texts that he feels like shit for what he does to me and it's not fair to me and he's depressed because of everything in his life and even more depressed that he lets this affect the ones he loves, including me. we decided to talk last night rather than tonight since i work really really late.
we finally talked after i had gotten off work and i could hear his depression. it's so sad. at first we talked about that and i asked him why does he let it bother him so badly? i understand it's hard, fuck i'd be depressed too. but i would try to not me miserable. i've been depressed before and i know it sucks more than anything, but i still carried on throughout my day. i still talked with edward every night and tried not to let it leak in our relationship. so we talked about that for a bit and then like i said earlier, things slowly turned into our problems.
"so what did so&so say today after she saw how upset you were?"
"she thinks it's not worth it."
"do you? i think it is, i think we can make this work."
"i do. otherwise i'd be off the phone."
"does she know about all the other problems in your life right now?"
"yeah."
"does she know that those problems are a huge part of why your depressed? or does she thinks it's all me?"
"i know she thinks it's all you."
it's so sad that edward's friends blame me for his depression. what's even sadder is that he doesn't tell them anything (he's not very open) but they just assume i am the reason. i may be part of it though, well our fighting the past few weeks. he told me he slept better this week and he hasn't slept good in months. it sucks thinking i'm the reason he can't sleep. for months. but i figured out that in july it was due to him having no job and then after because we were fighting so much and now because we're fighting and the divorce. i'll admit, i slept way better this week. as much as i missed him the time not talking helped me think a lot about what i can do.
i'm going to try to be as patient as i can. i don't know how long i can be patient and it would be stupid of me to think i can be forever. but i love edward more than anything, and i think i owe him and our relationship a little patience. but it's not just me, and i told him that. i told him exactly what i need and what i want. i need him to love me, and he can't just change who he is with me. we both agreed to try and i'm hoping we can let go of everything and just work this out together.
we'll see how everything goes. we talked earlier and he is really tired from no sleep (hmm wonder why) so he didn't really wanna talk. he's going out with his best friend for lunch and i know his bf is going to assume that he's depressed because of me. it really bothers me that everyone thinks i'm this big bad bitch to edward. i love him more than they know. and i am trying to work everything out. but four people in his life all think i'm causing him so much stress and depression. they don't even know the fucking half of everything going on in his life. they don't know the details like i do, about the divorce that is. so they base everything off of how he is and assume we fought. i think it's bullshit. and i wish he'd just defend me. i wish he'd tell them, 'you know, it's not her. i have a lot going on right now and she's doing the best she can to make me happy.' i wish he would say that! i'm sick of feeling like i'm causing this because the more i think i cause his problems the shittier i feel and the more i just wanna end this to make him happier. but i know that it's not me, that his friends think that, not him.
we'll see in time. i hate that the one thing i thought was so fucking stable in my life isn't anymore. i hate that i finally get over my jealousy but now his depression is affecting us. i hate that i can't do anything. i hate that when i tell him i'm coming in december for two weeks he says, 'yeah but it's not enough.' i hate that i love him so much that i am willing to put myself through this. any sane normal girl would stop trying when they knew that nothing they do will make anything better, but i keep trying. i have so much faith in us. i know he's going through a hard time. and i try to justify it by saying, 'well if we were married i wouldn't leave him because he's depressed. i need to be supportive and patient.'
i'm so set on being with him forever that i think if we broke up it wouldn't last. it would end a book, but not necessarily the story. we both agree on one thing: we can't be without each other. it's a good feeling to know that despite the fights from the past few weeks, despite his depression, we love each other more than anything. i think if you guys heard the love when we speak to each other you'd know it's gonna work. it's just up to us to make it happen.
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