Thinking.

all week things were perfect. all week he did everything i asked him to do. the one day he's depressed and needs me i failed him. why am i so stupid? why did i let it bother me so much that he was depressed? i promised him patience and he promised me he'd try. he fulfilled his end of the bargain, why couldn't i? maybe it's because i can't be patient. or maybe, it's because it fell on our anniversary.

i truly am an idiot. i wanted the 20th to be all about me rather than us. how unfair is that? i went into that day with such high expectations thinking he was going to be incredibly romantic and charming. as soon as i realized he was depressed i got frustrated; why of all fucking days did his depression land on our anniversary? after a month of fighting and then promising each other we would start fresh i thought our anniversary would be the perfect day to really start fresh. to show our love for one another, to let everything go from the past. me, me, me was all i thought this past sunday. i was so disappointed when he told me that he was depressed all day. why that day? that day was supposed to be a happy and loving day. and because i am a selfish bitch, i ruined our anniversary with tears of frustration rather than supporting him the one day he needed me.

this lead to another almost-breakup. i cried sunday night asking him why he was confused, why he didn't know if we could make it, why he wasn't sure if he didn't wanted me forever anymore. everything has confused me. all day yesterday we talked on and off about things. he told me he doesn't think i am capable of being patient; i keep promising and i keep failing. i had to remind him that for one month i wasn't because he wasn't trying for me. i fucked up one day, and for that he doesn't know if i can be patient. minus my fuck up, i think i've been pretty damn patient. my mother tells me all the time what a strong and patient woman i am to tolerate the bullshit he puts me through.

i am still here even though he doesn't know if we can last three years.

i am still here even though he doesn't know if he even wants to be with me forever.

i am still here even though he makes me cry because he is confused.

i am still here even though he tells me contradictory statements.

i am still here even though he thinks negatively and thinks a breakup is inevitable.

i am still here even though it sometimes hurts me to be here.

i cry more now than i have ever cried before. it amazes me how much i cry, how weak i can be. how i swore to myself i'd never let a boy put me through pain but i do. because i fucking love this boy. i love him regardless of everything because he did make me so happy at one point and because i think that in time everything will go back to how things are. am i foolish to think so? please someone tell me if i'm wasting my time. we both agreed to keep trying, but is it worth it?

after talking with my mom last night and this morning i've come to a few conclusions:

• i am going to stop believing edward is the one; if he is, great, if not, well someone else will be.
• i am going to stop looking into the future and just live my life right now with him. as much as i want to marry him one day, i need to stop thinking it's actually going to happen. i'm not saying it won't, but i'm not saying it will. it's too far away. i'd be a fool to continue thinking we're meant to be together so early on in our relationship. he filled my head with these thoughts and as much as i still want it all to happen, i don't know if it actually will. i don't know if we'll be together tomorrow, let alone next month.
• i am going to stop analyzing his words and just let it go.
• i am going to stop asking him questions about our future.
• i am going to stop obsessing over the fact that he doesn't know if we'll make it three years. my mom is so right, i have no idea what is going to happen. and while i want us to make it three years who knows if we will. we, I, need to stop thinking about the future and just enjoy being together now.
• i am never going to stop loving him.

that last one scares me. i love him so much, and i know i always will. it just may be platonic one day. i hate that i am so in love that i let it blind logic. we really do not know what is going to happen. we just need to try to make it work as long as we can. it sucks to realize all this when my heart doesn't want to. i know deep down i want to be with edward forever, but it's not logical to think it's definitely going to happen. there's a possibility we will make it through this and last. but there's also a greater possibility we won't. i hate thinking that way but it's the truth. i'm not going to think negatively everyday or think that we're going to break up as he does. i'm going to continue to try and whatever happens, happens. i'm still going to put all of my heart into this relationship, but i'm going to stop letting my heart control the way i think. my emotions have taken control over my logic. i went from being the girl who knew not to let love blind me to the girl who let love blind her.

believe me, i am going to love edward until it doesn't work anymore but i refuse to think about our future anymore. at least not the way i have. of course i will still think of living together in three years but that's as far into the future that i want to think. i don't want to think about marriage and babies and us forever. because if this does end, as he believes it will, it will just hurt that much more. even though i am going to just try and love and stop looking into things, am i wasting my time though? am i wasting my time with a guy who is self-loathing and thinks that we are going to breakup? he truly thinks we are going to break up. he also thinks we're the right people, it's just the wrong time. he thinks that he doesn't know if he's going to want a long term relationship in the future. he is confused on so many fucking levels.

i love him with all my heart but i know my patience is running thin. and to be honest, it isn't going to be long before i bid adieu. i am going to try one more time. this is the last time. i am going to try for him and us and i am hoping that seeing me in december will make him see things more clearly. if december comes and he still thinks we're going to break up soon, i don't think my heart will be able to handle it anymore and i am going to have to end it. i don't want to, and it hurts more than anything to think about a possible break up. i know we may make it two more years then break up for some other reason. but if he can look me in the eyes in december and tell me that he thinks we will break up, i don't want to wait for it to happen. i'm giving him three months to think and figure out what he wants. as much as he tells me he wants to be with me, i think he's confused. he's never allowed himself to love someone as much as he loves me and i know it scares him and confuses him.

i'm really hoping that seeing me will change things. i don't know if it's worth it to stay in a relationship if one half of the couple doesn't even see it ever working out. i am being logical, i know things may not work out. but i don't sit there and think to myself, 'we're not going to make it.' he really thinks we're going to break up. but he also thinks that in time we'll be back together. he confuses me more than anything and it hurts me to know he is confused about us.

*i updated a few things because i realized that i didn't like my wording on this. i think i figured out a lot just from rereading my post. i may post on that later. for now, me and edward are going to try. he keeps saying things have a way of working out, i hope he's right.