As I take a break...

from my paper on compulsory heterosexuality, i figured now would be a good time to explain what is going on with me and edward.

after arguing on and off for about a week and a half, things came crashing down. he is not the man i want him to be, as much as it pains me to say it. he is different from when we first began dating and i miss him. for about two weeks now he has become distant with me once again and showing me little to no affection, and when he does it's because i asked for it. i told him that i know the divorce is coming up and i know that's why he is acting the way he is, but in order for me to patient with him he needs to compromise with me. i told him what i need and want, and that i am willing to find a middle ground. it's not that easy though.

after hours of talking sunday morning, he decided it would be for the best for us to break up. he told me that he wants to be the man he was before and be able to take care of me and in order for him to actually be able to he has to work on himself. he has been battling depression for years and this divorce is only making it worse. we both agree he needs to get a grip on it, it affects too many aspects of his life, including this relationship.

although i am all for him working on himself, it doesn't make it hurt any less. the pain i feel is immeasurable. i have felt sick to my stomach since yesterday. my struggle with all of this is what if it's just an excuse, what if he doesn't want to be with me? well he has never lied to me and he told me a million times it's not some line. he really feels he has deep issues and he needs to fix them before it fucks him over for good. i could hear the love and sadness in his voice. he told me he loves me more than i could ever know and it breaks his heart to know that this is killing me. he feels terrible, but he wants to do this now to reduce future pain.

i have to admit that had we not broken up sunday it would have happened eventually. and i think i would have been the one to end it and i wouldn't want to get back with him. he was already becoming distant from me and snappy with me and it just would have gotten worse. i totally get his logic and why he feels we need to do this but it hurts so much. we're technically not together, but when we have talked on the phone we can't help but use pet names and declare our love for one another. i know most of you probably think i'm fucking nuts, but i love him enough to let him go, to let him figure his shit out so we can have a happy future together.

i know the chances of us getting back together are very high. but even though i have all the faith in the world, it's going to be a hard, lonely next few months. i don't even want christmas here anymore. i'm not going there because it would be too hard. and i told him when he is ready and has figured everything out that he needs to fly his ass out here and tell me to my face. he promised me he would.

i know he loves me. i can hear it. so many times yesterday he came close to saying, 'take me back' but he never did. he's a strong man who sticks to his words. i want him to get better, not just for me and this relationship but for his own being. i care so much about edward, and i hate not being with him. it's only been two days and it's so hard. but i know i am a strong woman and i am not going to let this control my life. i will miss him everyday, and i will continue to love him everyday. we both agreed we'd talk once a week at the least and text throughout the week to see how the other one is. but i don't think i will do most of the texting and calling. he needs to figure his shit out without me constantly wanting more from him. i wanted to text him so badly this morning when i found out i got a 97% on my test for political theory, but i didn't.

i hope things turn out for the best. i think in time it will make us stronger and like i said before, i get why he is doing this, but it doesn't take away the pain.

"if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be."

let's hope this applies to me and edward.

:/

Major sigh.

we broke up. please excuse me if i'm not on this very often, at least for a while. i want to feel numb and keep busy so i don't think about what i feel. all i know is we're probably gonna get back together when he figures his shit out.

funny, i don't really want to tell my friends or 'cancel' my relationship with him on facebook. but i did want to tell all of you.

i feel so alone. my heart hurts. i hope the pain goes away.

sigh.

Bad Blogger!

i know, i'm such a terrible blogger. please don't throw virtual tomatoes at me ! i've been busy this past week. nothing but midterms & papers. oh the life of an undergrad. other than that though things have been really good. edward's friend doesn't care to meet me so we're just gonna leave it at that. i think it's slightly immature considering she is 28 but if she doesn't care to meet me then i'm not going to put in the effort. edward has assured me her opinion of us will never matter to him and that he doesn't need to prove our relationship to anyone, we just need to keep working and loving one another.

on another note, i do need to share some wonderful phone sex i've had lately. edward realized how important is it to me to feel connected to him, intimately that is, and the only way we can achieve that is through phone sex. we had amazing, passionate, no-talking-just-moaning phone sex last week and it was truly beautiful. every single part of it. the way he said my name, the way he told me he loves me, the way he moaned and i moaned. he had me come three times just so he could hear me moan. by the third one i was worn out but it was such a perfect night. he was so loving with me that whole night and told me all night how much he missed me & really loved me. i truly love that man.

and two nights ago we had phone sex on our ten month anniversary (i know, we're so cheesy haha). it was a little more rough; he said dirty things to me and told me what to do to myself. he gets so into it, telling me he wants to blindfold me and do whatever he wants to my body. i love our dirty phone sex ;)

i'm sorry i'm not too descriptive tonight, it's been a long day and i am quite exhausted. i hope all you lovely people are doing well.

Happy Birthday Edward.

today is my love's birthday. i could sit here and write everything i love about him but i'm not going to. i love him more than you can imagine, so we'll leave it at that.

last night i wished him a happy birthday at 12 on the dot on the east coast & he opened my gifts. i got him:

• house season 4
• the stu ungar story
• two very nice shirts from express
• a pull-up bar that connects to your door

he loved them all, which made me happy :) we spent the night talking and loving. my only gripe is i wish i could be with him today :/

on another note, i am quite amazed with myself. i have let go of all jealousy. like, really. his ex's have been calling & texting and it's not bothering me one bit! and he went to some fair with some friends from class and one happened to be a chick but it didn't phase me. i really trust edward, and i know there is no reason to be jealous of these girls. i even think his ex that keeps texting him is still in love with him, and it doesn't bother me. i can't be mad if she still loves him, i don't blame her actually. and he doesn't do anything to provoke it.

however, there is one person i am truly jealous of: j. j. is his lesbian friend (who he used to like!) who he hangs out with all the fucking time. he sleeps over, he drinks, he chills, etc. but i just can't seem to feel so much jealousy in me when i hear her name. i know she is totally into chicks, and i know he no longer feels that way about her, but i feel so jealous over their newly reconnected bond. they stopped hanging out forever ago because she moved an hour away from him. but now, since like july, they're bff. no really, he said, 'she's one of my bestest friends. ever.'

this makes me feel like maybe one day she'll replace me. not as a girlfriend but as his best friend. i am his best friend; he talks to me about everything. but i'm afraid that in time he'll go to her more than he goes to me. i just can't help it. and it doesn't help that she has said a few times that she thinks our relationship isn't worth it. i just don't even think she cares about how happy he is because she never asks about us. my friends ask all the time about me & edward. i know people are different but i couldn't imagine not being concerned with my friend's love lives. maybe it's because she's like 28 and this relationship seems too childish to her? i really dunno.

so i told edward all of this, that i am really jealous of her. and i really need to meet her. i think until i do i'm going to continue to feel this jealousy. i need to see who she is. edward said he'd ask but i told him that if she hesitates or says something along the lines of 'i don't care to meet her' then i don't want to bother with her. i'll never make him choose me or them, but i won't bother with trying to show her i'm not a bitch.

i think part of the reason she has said that stuff before is because at that time, we were going through our rough patch. and edward told me he always defended me to her. i don't know, i'm just so angry that she doesn't care. and the fact that he did like her only 6 months before we started talking again drives me a little crazy.

i'm not mad at edward though, i'm just jealous of her. they're so close i'm afraid that she'll be his go-to-girl instead of me. but he's told me that'll never happen. i just always feel so uneasy about him spending the night. he always offers to come home rather than stay but i just tell him to stay. he's going there this week to chill for his birthday and even though it does bother me, i want him to go ad enjoy himself. he deserves that. i appreciate the fact though that he's willing to not go, it means a lot to me. but i refuse to control him. i told him as long as he texts me like more than once the whole time he's there i'll be fine; it just puts me more at ease.

sigh, jealousy sucks.

Heart Aches.

i'm so sad. i'm having one of those i-miss-edward-so-much-it-hurts moment. i miss that boy with all my heart. i never want to go more than three months without seeing him again. it's too much. i can bear with three months, i got used to it. but this six months thing, it's killing me.

i think about him everyday. everything is so amazing between us now. we're so much closer. he even told me the other day that he is so proud of how i let go of jealousy. our relationship is on this new level. we don't bicker and we hardly fight. we just love one another. he tells me all the time that he loves me and that he's still as crazy about me as he was in the beginning.

i'm having such a hard moment right now. i haven't kissed the man i love in about four months. i haven't held his hand or touched his face in so long. i want more than anything to see him. i love him.

sigh, i wish i could stop with the water works. this is not helping me concentrate on my paper. maybe a shower will help calm me down.

also, his birthday is thursday. i'll post on that on friday probably. goodnight ladies & gents.

Quick Quiz.

1. What is your underwear “style” of choice?
booty shorts & cheekies from VS. i love my ass in them.

2. How old were you when you had your first sexual experience?
well i grabbed a dick at the age of 17 but i decided against doing anything (sorry for the blueballs!). but my first real sex experience, with edward at 19.

3. What about a potential partner turns you on?

being a mystery. i love the whole getting-to-know-someone phase. it makes things exciting.

4. Have you ever played a game which may require you or others to disrobe?
no but i probably will in the future ;)

5. Given or received finger scratch marks during sexual activity?
i've given & received. i love the feeling of nails running down my back.

Bonus: How many times is the most you have ever had sex in a 24 hour period?
about five times. and it was fucking amazing. we need to beat our record ;)

i copied this from someone's blog. i think i'll do more of these in the future.

tomorrow i need to write a paper on gender and sex differences so i'll prolly post some of that on here :)

Withdrawals.

oh how i need to feel a dick inside me right now. it's been three months and some days since i've had sex. i'm going through sex withdrawals. i need to feel a body against mine, edward's of course. i want to touch him and kiss him and fuck him.

oh december can't cum fast enough.

Passion.

we arrived at our favorite place to mess around, some no-tell-motel that makes us feel quite at home. from the mirrored ceiling to the heart shaped jacuzzi in the middle of the room, there's something about this motel that gets us going. maybe it's because we feel dirty fucking in a motel designed for fucking, or maybe it's because it's the only spot in the whole god damn town we can actually go to make passionate love. either way, we love our spot.

as we walked into the room i felt this dire need inside me; i was dying to see him naked, i was dying to do dirty things to him. we looked at each other quickly and within a second were ravaging each other. his lips pressed hard against mine, urgent, he couldn't get enough of my mouth. his hands wrapped around my voluptuous body as his tongue played with mine. my hands entangled in his hair, kissing him back just as fiercely. he ripped of my top while i unbuttoned his shirt revealing his smooth, pale chest. i struggled with his pants while he tore off my bra to free my breasts. once we both removed our pants we began to kiss again, this time heading towards the bed.

i pinned him down and lay on top of him kissing every inch of his chest. it's smoothness and fairness under the light made him look godlike. as i continued to kiss him, i could feel his erection grow harder. i began to lick and suck on his ears while he moaned softly and squirmed. i moved down to his neck where i nibbled and licked it until he was pushing me to go even farther down. i kissed his nipples and stomach slowly, making him wait for what he wanted most. i made my way down to his glorious cock where i teased him with my tongue. i licked it as if it were a lollipop. i licked up and down and then moved the head to my lips. i licked it and sucked on it then enveloped it entirely. i began to suck his cock harder, switching from tongue to sucking to licking his balls. he moaned as i used my juicy lips and warm tongue to pleasure him.

before i could have him come, he grabbed me and pulled me up to his face were he kissed me passionately. i was sitting on top of him when he flipped me over and pinned me down. he kissed my lips with passion. he moved to my neck where he licked it making me writhe underneath him. he began making his way down, stopping to suck on each nipple lightly. i gasped as i felt his tongue reach it's destination. the warmth of his tongue on my wet pussy was mesmerizing. i moaned and jerked as he used his tongue on me. he began to suck on my clit, causing my to moan even louder. he used his fingers inside my tight pussy while he licked my clit to bring me to the edge.

he stopped and climbed on top of me. as we kissed i slipped my hand down and grabbed his cock, only this time using it as my personal toy. i pressed the head to my clit causing us both to moan. i moved his cock up and down as if it were a toy, my toy.

"put the head in, i want to feel you." i did as he asked and moaned when the head filled my virgin pussy. it was painful and pleasurable all at the same time. we moaned and moved together, it was amazing. we were in love and needed each other badly.

he got off of me and lay next to me. looking me in the eye he said, "ride me cowgirl." lust filled through me and he made me even wetter. i got on top of him i rode his cock letting it rub against my wet pussy, but never filling it. i kept riding him until he flipped me over and began to thrust into me while pulling my hair.

"i want to make love to the most beautiful woman on this planet. i love you so much," he said as he kissed me. we kissed and played with each other for hours that night. i finally made my way down again but this time i was set on making him come.

i was longing to taste it. after the first time i swallowed his delicious cum i was in love. i would have it no other way, i wanted his cum in my mouth. i let him straddle me so he could fuck my face. he thrust harder and harder into my mouth until he burst inside it, letting me swallow his cum. we finished off our night with his fingers inside my wet pussy, fingering me until i came. a kiss sealed our beautiful night.