after arguing on and off for about a week and a half, things came crashing down. he is not the man i want him to be, as much as it pains me to say it. he is different from when we first began dating and i miss him. for about two weeks now he has become distant with me once again and showing me little to no affection, and when he does it's because i asked for it. i told him that i know the divorce is coming up and i know that's why he is acting the way he is, but in order for me to patient with him he needs to compromise with me. i told him what i need and want, and that i am willing to find a middle ground. it's not that easy though.
after hours of talking sunday morning, he decided it would be for the best for us to break up. he told me that he wants to be the man he was before and be able to take care of me and in order for him to actually be able to he has to work on himself. he has been battling depression for years and this divorce is only making it worse. we both agree he needs to get a grip on it, it affects too many aspects of his life, including this relationship.
although i am all for him working on himself, it doesn't make it hurt any less. the pain i feel is immeasurable. i have felt sick to my stomach since yesterday. my struggle with all of this is what if it's just an excuse, what if he doesn't want to be with me? well he has never lied to me and he told me a million times it's not some line. he really feels he has deep issues and he needs to fix them before it fucks him over for good. i could hear the love and sadness in his voice. he told me he loves me more than i could ever know and it breaks his heart to know that this is killing me. he feels terrible, but he wants to do this now to reduce future pain.
i have to admit that had we not broken up sunday it would have happened eventually. and i think i would have been the one to end it and i wouldn't want to get back with him. he was already becoming distant from me and snappy with me and it just would have gotten worse. i totally get his logic and why he feels we need to do this but it hurts so much. we're technically not together, but when we have talked on the phone we can't help but use pet names and declare our love for one another. i know most of you probably think i'm fucking nuts, but i love him enough to let him go, to let him figure his shit out so we can have a happy future together.
i know the chances of us getting back together are very high. but even though i have all the faith in the world, it's going to be a hard, lonely next few months. i don't even want christmas here anymore. i'm not going there because it would be too hard. and i told him when he is ready and has figured everything out that he needs to fly his ass out here and tell me to my face. he promised me he would.
i know he loves me. i can hear it. so many times yesterday he came close to saying, 'take me back' but he never did. he's a strong man who sticks to his words. i want him to get better, not just for me and this relationship but for his own being. i care so much about edward, and i hate not being with him. it's only been two days and it's so hard. but i know i am a strong woman and i am not going to let this control my life. i will miss him everyday, and i will continue to love him everyday. we both agreed we'd talk once a week at the least and text throughout the week to see how the other one is. but i don't think i will do most of the texting and calling. he needs to figure his shit out without me constantly wanting more from him. i wanted to text him so badly this morning when i found out i got a 97% on my test for political theory, but i didn't.
i hope things turn out for the best. i think in time it will make us stronger and like i said before, i get why he is doing this, but it doesn't take away the pain.
"if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be."
let's hope this applies to me and edward.
:/
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