last night i wished him a happy birthday at 12 on the dot on the east coast & he opened my gifts. i got him:
- house season 4
- the stu ungar story
- two very nice shirts from express
- a pull-up bar that connects to your door
he loved them all, which made me happy :) we spent the night talking and loving. my only gripe is i wish i could be with him today :/
on another note, i am quite amazed with myself. i have let go of all jealousy. like, really. his ex's have been calling & texting and it's not bothering me one bit! and he went to some fair with some friends from class and one happened to be a chick but it didn't phase me. i really trust edward, and i know there is no reason to be jealous of these girls. i even think his ex that keeps texting him is still in love with him, and it doesn't bother me. i can't be mad if she still loves him, i don't blame her actually. and he doesn't do anything to provoke it.
however, there is one person i am truly jealous of: j. j. is his lesbian friend (who he used to like!) who he hangs out with all the fucking time. he sleeps over, he drinks, he chills, etc. but i just can't seem to feel so much jealousy in me when i hear her name. i know she is totally into chicks, and i know he no longer feels that way about her, but i feel so jealous over their newly reconnected bond. they stopped hanging out forever ago because she moved an hour away from him. but now, since like july, they're bff. no really, he said, 'she's one of my bestest friends. ever.'
this makes me feel like maybe one day she'll replace me. not as a girlfriend but as his best friend. i am his best friend; he talks to me about everything. but i'm afraid that in time he'll go to her more than he goes to me. i just can't help it. and it doesn't help that she has said a few times that she thinks our relationship isn't worth it. i just don't even think she cares about how happy he is because she never asks about us. my friends ask all the time about me & edward. i know people are different but i couldn't imagine not being concerned with my friend's love lives. maybe it's because she's like 28 and this relationship seems too childish to her? i really dunno.
so i told edward all of this, that i am really jealous of her. and i really need to meet her. i think until i do i'm going to continue to feel this jealousy. i need to see who she is. edward said he'd ask but i told him that if she hesitates or says something along the lines of 'i don't care to meet her' then i don't want to bother with her. i'll never make him choose me or them, but i won't bother with trying to show her i'm not a bitch.
i think part of the reason she has said that stuff before is because at that time, we were going through our rough patch. and edward told me he always defended me to her. i don't know, i'm just so angry that she doesn't care. and the fact that he did like her only 6 months before we started talking again drives me a little crazy.
i'm not mad at edward though, i'm just jealous of her. they're so close i'm afraid that she'll be his go-to-girl instead of me. but he's told me that'll never happen. i just always feel so uneasy about him spending the night. he always offers to come home rather than stay but i just tell him to stay. he's going there this week to chill for his birthday and even though it does bother me, i want him to go ad enjoy himself. he deserves that. i appreciate the fact though that he's willing to not go, it means a lot to me. but i refuse to control him. i told him as long as he texts me like more than once the whole time he's there i'll be fine; it just puts me more at ease.
sigh, jealousy sucks.
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