Taking a Break.

i'm guessing you know what that means, me & edward are taking a break now. as sad as it may be i truly believe this is the best thing for us right now. after constantly fighting for weeks and going no where, what is there left to do? i do not want this break, in fact i wish we could have skipped over this. but the truth is, we need some space.

tonight after fighting for the umpteenth time i couldn't help but wonder if a break is all we really need. for a few weeks now i haven't felt truly happy with our relationship and it's starting to really affect me, mainly in the sleeping department. i haven't had a good night's rest in a while now because i always have our problems on my mind. 

actually let me be clear, we really don't have real problems between us per se. we talked the other night and he told me he was no longer confused, that it has nothing to do with me. but what it does have to deal with is his other problems, as in the divorce and what is going to be the aftermath of the divorce. from the looks of it, it's definitely not going to be pretty. so all of the outside problems are just leaking into our relationship and it sucks. no matter what i do, i cannot make him smile. he is so depressed and it breaks my heart that i am not there when he needs me most. he's told me over and over again all he needs is my love and patience. and while i give him love every minute of every day, the patience part is throwing me for a loop. it's so hard to not criticize your relationship when you feel that the reason he's distancing himself from you is your fault. everyday is a constant battle with myself because i think everything is my fault, that i'm the reason why he isn't happy. i know that's not true so i try to be patient for him, for us, but it's hard because he is no longer the same edward. 

everyday it's the same thing; he doesn't want to talk and he doesn't show me any affection anymore. now i know that i can't ask him to be affectionate with me everyday, i totally get that. but the last time he was affectionate was august 20th, our anniversary. for almost three weeks he has not showed me any affection. we haven't had phone sex since the 19th. he's not the same and it hurts because i really can't help but think i'm doing something wrong. i really don't need him to be a lovey dovey with me every single day, but when you're in a long distance relationship a girl is gonna need some attention and love every now and then to make sure there's still a spark. 

so i decided to take matters into my own hands and try and be affectionate with him, hoping that that may be the trigger to get him to show me some lovin'. so i tried a few times a week over the last like two weeks. "i love you a lot you know. i miss you. you're everything i need. i can't wait to kiss you again. i can't wait to make love to you again." i didn't fire those out one after another but those are just some examples of what i would say. nothing worked. i'd get an answer back but nothing even remotely loving. just a simple "i know, i (fill-in-the-blank) you too." and i am so used to him being so cute with me. i'm so used to hearing the love in his voice, and that is something that is no longer there. he actually told me last night that if i want attention less is more; the less i tell him all of that, the more inclined he will be to show me affection. but i tried that first and that didn't work. and it really is dumb that i have to sit around like a puppy waiting for a fucking treat.

so of course i blame myself but i know it's not me, that it's his problems seeping into our relationship. i asked him if he needed a break a week ago and he got so upset because he doesn't want a break. he really wants this to work out. so again i try to be patient. but here's the other thing, he doesn't wanna talk. like, at all. 

"how was your day baby?"

"fine."

"what did you do all day?"

"nothing."

"what are you doing tomorrow?"

"i don't know."

............(5 minute break)

"so what's up?"

"nothing."

(i'll let you guess who is who)

etc., etc. that is seriously our nightly conversations for the past two weeks. how in the world do you have a long distance relationship if one person isn't even willing to converse? it's so hard to have faith and want this when you think it's all your fault. and when i finally got it in my head that it's not my fault, i couldn't help but start to think if i really want to deal with this for the next few months. it's going to take months before he is back to normal. and while i do have patience, my patience will eventually run out. it takes two to make a relationship work. i've told him what i need and what i want. and i've told him i will be patient for him but he can't just distance himself from me. yet he still to continues to act this way. i'm trying my hardest but i'm just not happy. he's not the same. maybe i'm being selfish but i have needs too. i just need some love once in a while. it bothers me i can't do a damn thing about his depression.

so i believe sunday we were talking casually about how when we fight it just adds stress to his life. and i asked if it would be easiest to eliminate it. he said, "well yeah, eliminating stress is always easy. but it's not necessarily the right thing to do." i couldn't agree with him more. so i told him that for like two weeks i've had thoughts of taking a break because it would be easiest but it's not what i really want. that was all it took to fire him up. he was so upset with me. and i told him that after how he's been acting for three weeks, first being confused then all the family problems, that i have the right to feel this way. and he said that he doesn't blame me for feeling this way, he acknowledges the fact that he's been treating me kinda shitty. what he's upset with me about is the fact that i kept this from him for two weeks. maybe i shouldn't have kept it but i didn't know what else to do. i didn't want to tell him because i knew deep down this feeling would pass and i didn't want to worry him.

worry him i did. he felt so confused because i had "lied" to him. but in reality i have been thinking about this for two weeks. i can't sleep because this is all i think about. i haven't even been in the mood to masturbate. do you know how weird it is to not even feel a hint of horniness when you're so used to wanting sex all the time? i can't even turn myself on. and when i try and get him to have phone sex he just doesn't want to. he doesn't even remember the last time he touched himself. so for weeks all of this his been bothering me. and i told him the truth only to have him be upset because i kept it from him. 

well today was the final straw. we had another argument. i'll admit i am at fault for pushing it BUT i was just asking questions. he has been getting really frustrated with me whenever i ask too many questions (which is bullshit and another reason i've been feeling this way). i really understand he is going through a hard time, but i don't think it's fair he just distances himself from me and shows me less love. he can't just stop being who he is with me and expect me to sit there night after night and be okay with everything. it hurts me. anyway, after the argument he said something along the lines of, "and i thought we were gonna have a nice night." and i told him that even if we hadn't argued i still would not have considered tonight a "nice night" because it's like we are no longer on the same page. our conversations feel awkward, and i fucking hate it. so he asked if i had anything on my mine and i told him the truth. 

i told him i don't want a break but maybe it would be beneficial to us, that maybe it's just what we need. we keep saying we wanna work this out but every night we argue, so something isn't working for us. i told him that i am so sick of us hurting one another, i'm so sick of fighting, and that i don't really want a break but it may be exactly what we need. i felt horrible saying all of this because i could hear in his voice how hurt he was, how sad he was. but i don't know what else to do. i am not happy. i love him but i need to love myself as well. and part of loving myself means respecting myself enough to know that i need some sort of a break. we're not breaking up, he is still my boyfriend but we're going to try not talking for a week. i'm really hoping that this will help us both work on our own problems so that in a week we can start fresh and get through this together. i felt so bad when he asked if there was another guy. there has never been another guy, i love edward far too much. 

i'm really hoping he sees this as an opportunity rather than a failing relationship. he agreed in the end that we may just need a breather but i could hear to reluctance in his voice. and what scares me more is that in a week he's going to say he's confused. i know exactly what i want, him. if i didn't want him i would have ended this by now. i know i want him in the end and i really want this to work. i think this is what we need right now. i just don't want him thinking that i don't love him or i don't want to be with him, because i want to be with him more than anything. if i could, i would move over there to show him how much i want to be with him.

i just don't want him to be confused. but i asked for the break so i have to deal with the consequences, and they may not be what i want. we agreed to talk in a week but for the week we are ceasing contact. and if in a week he thinks we need more time to work everything through, i'm going to have to deal with it. i am going to have to understand if in a week he says he needs more time to get his shit together. ideally, i want to be back to normal in a week. but the more i look at it the more i know this isn't something small and it's going to take time. but if in a week he can see that he can't just abandon our relationship i think everything will go smoothly from there on out. i think he knows it's just a breather. he even said he knows we've been fighting too much. and he knows what he does to me isn't fair. hopefully this week will help us both clear our heads and we can both continue to work on this relationship together.

i'm sad but at the same time i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i have been thinking about this and while it sucks that it came to this i truly feel it's what we need. it's going to be weird not talking to him at all for the next week but i have to understand that i asked for this. it really sucks knowing i won't hear his voice until tuesday. i really think i will go nuts at night because i am so used to talking every night. sigh, this is going to be hard.