Letting go of fear.

alright so me & le boyfriend talked last night. & after many tears and arguments, we realized what's the problem. i have huge issues is what it comes down to. i told him how much it upsets me that he acts like he doesn't care sometimes & all the stuff i wrote about in my last post. & after some drilling i finally got it into his head that this isn't a petty argument and that it's actually something that really upsets me. he finally got it & agreed he would be more conscious about how he acts & what he says. it made me feel bad though, like i'm asking for so much. but i don't see why it was so hard for him to comprehend it. his reasoning was because i always fight with him over bullshit he never knows when i'm actually being serious about something. cause truth is, i get mad over the dumbest things ever but in the end i realize i'm being a little whiny bitch for nothing.

well after all of that was said & done i said something to him that i've kept inside for a few months because i was too scared of saying it out loud. i told him that i think about us in the future & because we argue over dumb shit sometimes i'm afraid it's gonna push him away. or if when he goes through his little "man-periods" is he going to become too distant from me that i'm gonna want to leave him? we don't fight all the time, but i'll admit i do bring up fights over dumb shit, but that's because of something else. he does go through these phases where he subconsciously becomes distant from me & it really bothers me. it lasts a while & it's kinda like he's no longer emotionally invested in the relationship. & i can't help but think that we may not make it forever because of that stuff. 

once i said all of this to him he was like, "ahh, so this makes sense." & we both figured out why i bring up these ridiculous petty fights over nothing. i love my boyfriend so much that i am terrified of losing him. it scares me that he's gonna leave not because he's cheating but because of something i'm doing wrong, basically pushing him away. so basically, i'm sabotaging our relationship by starting these petty fights over bullshit. & i do it because i want him to show me how much he loves me & prove it to me. but in reality, he shouldn't have to prove himself to me because i know deep down he wouldn't leave me for no reason. 

so that is my next thing to work on, letting go of all of this fear and just accepting the fact that he's not gonna leave as long as i don't push him away. he told me the sweetest thing last night, that he would not ever work this hard to be with a girl, that i'm the one he loves & is crazy about & wants to be with me forever. & it really showed me how much he loves me and how stupid i am. i don't do any of this on purpose, it's all a psychological thing. but it all made me realize that i have to let this fear go & just live life with him. i think it's something i'll learn to do with time. i'm already working on it but it's not something i will get over in one day. all in all, i'm truly blessed to have such a amazing & caring boyfriend.

thank god we're both psychology majors ;P