Subconscious

i can be a pretty paranoid gal sometime. okay let me rephrase that, i can be paranoid a little too often, for my likings at least. today i realized i was 5 days late and i started to get paranoid about being pregnant.

sure, i got my period while i was there. but what if it was implantation bleeding?
sure, we used a condom. but that was when he knew he was going to need one.
sure, i'm probably overanalyzing every little thing; the tenderness in my breasts, the fatigue, the cramping in my uterus. all of which sounds like a normal period, but what if it's not? i never have tenderness in my breasts. and i sure as fuck don't ever have a slight feeling that i may be pregnant. and then it all hit me, what if i am? i really felt that i was. i just had this feeling and i had felt that way for a few days. but after 5 days of a missed period and plenty of semi-safe sex, i thought it was time to take a test.

my fears were relieved when i took a pregnancy test: i'm definitely not pregnant. (funny side note: i bought a test and when i sat down to pee i realized right then and there that my period had started. i took the test anyway but am slightly annoyed i wasted money to get my period haha). when i told edward he was very calm and he knew all along that i wasn't. which if i was, would be something else. i'm young, i have so many aspirations, what would i have done?

i realized something though, i want a baby. not just in a few years, i want one now. i'd be perfectly content having one right now. i know, i sound nuts. the thought of having a baby now doesn't scare me, it's the thought of telling my parents and having to put my dreams on hold for a while that's scary. i secretly wished i was. and i know where it all came from. this past month i've seen babies left and right, attended a baby shower, and have just been going gaga for babies. i love children, not in some sick way but i want to be a mother. and when the idea came into my head i think i milked it and played up my symptoms. not on purpose of course but subconsciously (totally analyzing myself right now). the subconscious is a crazy place.

and i think another part was to see how edward would react and what he would do. i know, it sounds horrible, like i'm putting him through a test. but to be honest, i didn't think of all of this when i told him everything today. i really think this was all an act of my subconscious. i didn't want him to prove anything to me because i know he'd be there. however, in the past he couldn't even talk about children so i never really knew how he'd react.

he was the most supportive boyfriend ever, and i couldn't thank him enough for keeping his cool and not getting all worked up when i was. he was calm, and got me to do one thing at a time. when i asked him what would he do if i was and wanted to keep it he told me he'd be there for me no matter what. i know i have an amazing boyfriend, and this just proves* it all :)

*again, i didn't consciously do it for him to prove it to me or because i wished i was pregnant. i analyzed myself afterwards because i realized i was being too paranoid over all of this and these made the most sense. i could be wrong but i don't think i am.