No Sugarcoating.

yesterday i was in an incredibly loving mood and was realllllyyyy missing my edward. i hadn't talked to him since monday night and i wanted to show him how much i truly do love him. in an effort to that, i copied and pasted my blog from yesterday in an email to him. i sent him a text telling him to check his email because i had sent him something that i had put a lot of though into.

after i had sent it i checked the sent email to see if it linked back to my blog. it did. i copied the entire post, including the title. one click on the title and you were directed to Racy Rendezvous. oh fuck is what i though. i sent him another text right away saying please don't click on the green title, it takes you to my blog. he knows i have one, so i wasn't worried about him finding out. what worried me was him reading my previous posts regarding our relationship and how i felt.

so i waited and waited and he never text me back. finally, about 40 minutes later he sent me this text: "it was cute. but the other ones made me cry." fuck fuck fuck! i asked him how many he read and to that he replied, "enough." an impulse shot right through me and before i could stop myself i was already calling him.

we talked for maybe thirty minutes yesterday about my blog. at first he didn't tell me which ones he had read, actually he said he didn't remember them. eventually he let it slip that he had read "uncertainty," "taking a break," the one about my father, and some more. i'm not mad at him though. when i began this blog i had told him all about it and he could read it if he liked, i'm really honest with him. he is the only person i know in real life that is aware of my blog. and i don't feel bad about what i wrote, it's my personal opinion. i do however feel bad that he read it. he said it was so different seeing it in print because he knows i'm not sugarcoating it like i do when we talk. and he's right, to avoid fighting i sugarcoat things sometimes. a lot of what i wrote in those two main posts about him i am definitely not sugarcoating.

and by me not doing that, he's getting knocked the fuck out with my words. it's all honest and while it may be blunt, it's all the truth. he read my honesty and finally sees how it has affected me over the past three weeks. he sees now that he has hurt me and for that he feels really bad. i feel bad that he saw it. i try and be as honest as i can with edward, but i'm usually not that blunt with him to spare his feelings. believe me, i never wanted him to read all of that stuff because i didn't want him feeling bad. he feels bad enough when we fight over the phone or if he makes me cry. i have the most caring man ever, he seriously feels low whenever we fight. which i wish he didn't but i know he does care about my feelings. so after fighting for weeks i didn't wanna add insult to injury. so he read it all and now feels even lower because he sees what it all comes off as in my eyes. it's like looking through my head and seeing exactly how i have perceived everything.

i could hear how sad he was yesterday. and hurt, but not because i'm lying or making it worse than it appears, but because he didn't realize how much all of this affected me. which in turn makes me feel bad that he read everything. i tried telling him how i do defend him and i do make an effort to point out that he is going through a really hard time. he knows i do but he still feels bad, and i know it's now going to be in the back of his mind for a while. he told me yesterday he would do anything to make me happy, and to see how he hasn't in a while hurts him more than anything. i know we have our issues but when it comes down to it, i don't know many men that would still try after problems have come up, especially when it's a long distance relationship. i know i may complain and i kinda can't help that, i'm human and woman, but i have to say he is one of the most caring and loving men i have ever met. words can't do justice to show how much i really love him. he's my everything and i am his.

all in all, i think it may have been a good thing he read it all. he agreed with me and said that he can't do this to me. he told me i am being the perfect amount of patient and he couldn't ask or expect anymore from me. he also acknowledges the fact that i do have needs and he's going to try his best to attend to my needs. i still feel bad that he saw it but he tells me not to. he wants me to stop sugarcoating my words over the phone. that's gonna take some work but i can try for him.

as far as talking goes we're not going to talk until sunday night. it's not what i want at all but he is stubborn and won't budge. he did tell me though that he is constantly thinking of calling me and has had to stop himself many times. that makes me feel better, knowing i'm always on his mind :) and sunday night we are starting fresh. we both agreed we are going to try to live in the present and not look back at our problems the past few weeks. we're going to try our best to let everything go and not hold anything against one another. i really feel this is going to work out. i know he's crazy about me, i could hear every single ounce of love in his voice yesterday. it's amazing how much love we have for one another.